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Thread: XtremeSavageXD - Yautja Application

  1. #1
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    XtremeSavageXD - Yautja Application

    Yautja Whitelist Application
    Byond ID:
    XtremeSavageXD

    Marine Name
    Solomon "Hellfire" Martin

    Name of the Yautja Character you wish to play
    Odien

    Have you banned in the past month or are currently banned from other servers?
    On Paradise for something that happened over 6 months ago.

    Are you familiar with the Predator Code Of Honor?
    I am

    Yautja Character Story
    https://docs.google.com/document/d/1...it?usp=sharing







    Chapter One

    The cool wind blows through the grass as the moon traverses the sky. The grass sways backs and forth to a rhythm unknown. The field is empty. Mostly. Underneath the dirt, moles and worms and rats burrow and and nest. The creatures of the ground buzz and move with life as they continue their existence in this world. Above, the birds of the sky squeak and chirp as they search for prey to feed their children. All is good and peaceful within the field.

    Then, it is not. The wind stops. The bugs stop moving. The birds cease their crows and chirps and fly as fast they can away. The grass moves no more and is still. The field is empty. Mostly. From the outsides of the field, the grass parts. The parting continues until it reaches the center of the field. All is silent for a moment more. Then a serpent like figure rises up, a great beast, with claws the size of a deer’s leg. It is covered in scales and it’s head is curved in a terrible manner, like one that brings fear to those who see it. It’s body is a dark red, empty and cold, like the aura that surrounds it. It continues to raise to its full height , at a terrible size, the creature is a giant. It peers all around it and hisses. Nothing beside it is here anymore. It is great and terrible. Nothing challenges it. Back in its hive, the monster is considered only second in power and ruthlessness to the Mother. This is an Alpha, a leader among the hive, respected for its kills and service to the Queen. As spit and liquids unknown drip from its maw, a sound can be heard from behind it. The field is no longer empty.

    Describe how your Yautja acts, and how you intend to play them
    Odien is a trophy collector, he lives and breathes them. He will of course kill for them, and he will most definitely die for them. If a prey has a worthy trophy feature, he will pursue it to the ends of the earth, following HC of course. Trophies are the most important thing to Odien, aside from his fellow Yaujita and the Honor Code. Odien is quiet Hunter, only speaking when there is something worth saying. He is decently friendly to his fellow Predators, but will tolerate no disrespect or dishonesty. To Marines, he is a Hunter, to the Xenos, he is a Hunter. he has no favorites. The only side he is on is his own and his tribes. You are worth nothing to him if you do not possess either extreme fighting ability or a trophy feature. To this extent, Odien will not trifle with just any prey. He will only challenge the most robust, the most combat talented Xenos or Marines. Another feature of Odien's trophy obsession is that he will hoard them. He will keep all his trophies in one spot, either on the Mothership or the Planet, depending on the round. If anyone were to disturb it or vandalize it, he would treat them as a top priority prey.

    In your own words, describe the difference between an honor duel and a hunt
    Honor Duel : A fight between 2 equal or worthy opponents for honor and respect. A Honor Duel should be reserved for an Opponent that you deem is equal or near equal to you. During this fight, only melee is allowed, and you must provide a weapon if needed. No healing or fleeing is permitted, neither is calling for help. The gist of it is that there is no trickery, just pure and honorable combat between 2 foes.


    Hunt : A Hunt is where the Predator's goal is to collect trophies and defeat foes that will improve his standing among the Clan. You will also want to benefit from a Hunt by becoming both a better hunter and a better Yaujita. If the Prey deserves respect, the Hunter may spare their lives or simply depart with a limb or an item. Any unworthy prey is to be ignored and not fought.

    How do you intend on interacting with other predators during a round?
    Generally respectful, he will cooperate if needed by a Councilor or an Elder with his fellow Hunters. Besides that, he will hunt by his lonesome, seeking to prove himself further by not requiring any help or assistance. If a Predator, however, attempts to mess with or destroy Odien's trophies, he will use any and every measure to hunt them down and challenge them. He will tolerate no disrespect, however he is adept at keeping his temper in check.

    Why do you want a predator whitelist?
    I have wanted this since the beginning of my time here at CM, however earlier on I was a bit of a rowdy player and got into too much trouble with the Admins to be considered, since then I have tidied up my act and wish to show off my combat skills as well as provide some unique RP scenarios for both the Marines and the Xenos. Some of my best RP moments have come from Preds, and I hope to share the feeling to other players.

    Do you understand that any player - donor or otherwise - can have their whitelist status revoked should they break our rules or disobey the Predator Code of Honor?
    Yes

    Do you understand that you cannot advertise your application on any platform for votes. Do you also understand you may not edit this application 1 hour after it has been posted?
    Yes

    Having discord access is a requirement because of important annoucements relating to predator codes/guidelines. Are you currently banned from the CM Discord?
    No
    Last edited by XtremeSavageXD; 12-31-2019 at 05:59 AM. Reason: grammmer

  2. #2
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    If any Xeno mains are reading this and do not recognize my Marine name, I also play as "DAD" as a Xeno.

  3. #3
    Whitelisted Predator HeleC's Avatar
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    This is for sure a big story and after a while reading it I noticed a few things I would like to point out before giving my verdict.

    To start with, I understand you put a lot of effort into your story to become in the end 3,372 words and 18,089 characters in total but just because you put a lot of effort and made it big doesn't mean some people may like that. (To be honest, it may delay even more people to review, after all, it should take around 15 minutes to read everything and some more minutes if people have some problem trying to 'digest' it)

    As for me, I really expected a good story and I did get one in the first chapter, it was good. Had a lot of details and I noticed you kept it further in other chapters but the small detail of putting the Yautja language died in that same chapter as the sister of your character said 'humans' instead of 'oomans'. There's a slightly minor problem with grammar that prolong across the story which could be fixed but that's not much of the deal. (Probably due English not your native language and some of us such as myself understand that.)

    The point is, I feel like your story is big, and I indeed love it but when I see a big one, I love when the same quality it started with, it ends with and even if this same quality doesn't persist until the end I want something to be interested, to keep me reading it until the end and not just more and more words and text to read without use in the future. I feel like you could squeeze a lot of your story to put more effort into keeping people reading it other than just more content to add in your story.

    I will throw the first rock and as for me, it is -1.

    There's more I would like to talk about but I think the storytelling or rather how the story is told is the key for your story, you make great characters, great details but it lacks the primordial column to gain everyone's heart and that's how you tell the story. I hope for your best!

    (Also cheers, I know your marine name and if not wrong alpha right? Good SL in general)
    Aida Clark - The story so far



  4. #4
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    I appreciate the feedback man, it means alot, is there anything specific about the character or the story you think needs changing? Please feel free to comment again or DM me about your more in detail thoughts!

  5. #5
    Whitelisted Predator
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    Hi there, XtremeSavageXD

    We've reviewed your application and we've decided to decline it.

    While you obviously put a bit of time in to your story, there is very little in terms of substance.

    Your character is a mary sue who can best any and every enemy without fault. In the first chapter of your story your character kill's an Ancient Ravager with a single swipe. This is not good storytelling or character creation.

    I want you to go back to the drawing board and reel in your character. I want to see a more believable Yautja that people can connect with.

    This application is denied.

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