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Thread: VortexGaming - Predator Application

  1. #1
    Senior Member VortexGaming's Avatar
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    VortexGaming - Predator Application

    Predator Whitelist Application
    Byond ID:
    VortexGaming

    Marine Name
    Kaitlynn "Maverick" Lawson and Alicia. I have been playing Xeno a lot recently however.

    Name of the Yautja Character you wish to play
    Ja'akir Aki

    Are you familiar with the Predator Code Of Honor?
    Of course, I wouldn't be making this app if I wasn't.

    Yautja Character Story
    Spoiler Spoiler:

    How do you intend to play your predator?
    I intend to play Ja'akir as a predator that generally likes to use his wrist blades as a primary, he wouldn't be limited to that of course but most likely using them. Ja'akir tends to try and be obnoxious to other predators while talking to them often starting duels. When Ja'akir gets attacked he tends to try and hunt the one who attacked him if he is not currently hunting anything as shown in the story (If the prey fits honor code).

    Ja'akir's favorite trophy is the head of an Ooman while hunting and will often try and get a few under his belt during his hunts. While not shown in the story due to the unfavorable duel he got out of Dale, he generally will spare a lot of Oomans who fight at least somewhat well, only taking say an arm or hand.

    Why should we whitelist you?
    I have been apart of the CM community for over a year now, staffing it since around June. I have gained both Captain, and Synthetic as white lists having a neat quirk that I enjoy immensely. Role playing is an honestly fun thing to do, and once I found CM I stuck with it as I love the aliens lore and universe. Yautja being second to that, with my love for them striking during a predator apprentice event a staff member threw allowing me to better see how predators play and act around 6-7 months ago.

    Have you been banned from CM in the last month for any reason?
    I have not.

    Are you currently banned from any other servers and if so, why?
    I am not.

    Do you understand that any player - donor or otherwise - can have their whitelist status revoked should they break our rules or disobey the Predator Code of Honor?
    Yes

  2. #2
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    Gonna be honest here chief, the story was very lackluster and at times a bit hard to read.

    -1, try using the whitelist channel on discord or getting assistance from whitelisted Preds.

  3. #3
    Senior Member VortexGaming's Avatar
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    I had it proof read by 2 people.
    Kaitlynn Lawson The Captain: https://cm-ss13.com/old/viewtopic.php?f=142&t=18802
    Alicia The Motherly Synthetic: https://cm-ss13.com/viewtopic.php?f=149&t=17406
    Ja'akir Aki The Messenger of the Gods: //showthrea...or-Application
    Staff history:
    Spoiler Spoiler:

  4. #4
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    There's quite a few basic grammar issues off the bat and throughout the application. I'm sorry I don't believe they gave you good criticism or really put in any effort to proof read it for you.

  5. #5
    Whitelisted Predator MattAtlas's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by VortexGaming View Post
    I had it proof read by 2 people.
    2 people didn't catch the 2 very obvious grammatical errors in the 1st sentence? And it's full of capitals after commas.

    Okay, I won't nitpick on the grammar. But the pacing is extremely off, it's quite hard to get through the 1st paragraph alone because of the way you spaced the sentences. This story falls into the trope of telling me more about the combat than your predator, which is a red flag. I don't care about how you kill your prey, I only care about it if it's important, which it is not in this story. All I gather from this is that your predator got secret training. Nothing else tells me anything about who your Predator is, hell, even Dale is shown doing more than them.

    Your gimmick isn't really a gimmick either. You will "intend" to use wrist blades (read: scimitars) and you will "intend" to spare people who fight correctly. This is all extremely average and not enough to offset your story.

    It's gonna be a -1 from me bud.

    Also I just noticed the 1st paragraph is completely copypasted from your old app and you even added in a spelling error. I'm not sure what else to say.
    Last edited by MattAtlas; 01-12-2019 at 06:26 PM.
    Resident ex-punished Junior Developer and Coder, and ex three-time member of the Yautja Council, two-time member of the Synth Council.

    See with your eyes, my army of flies, when no one's alive...

  6. #6
    CM-SS13 Host ThesoldierLLJK's Avatar
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    Fire whoever proof read it for you vortex.
    Honestly it was a long story but it wasn�t a special story at all.

    I know you can roleplay and you have the other whitelisted, but I don�t know. There�s nothing really special or unique about your pred and the story is just poorly written.

    Neutral pending more feedback.

  7. #7
    Senior Member VortexGaming's Avatar
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    One of the people who proof read my story was on the Council so that upsets me a bit, but I cant really get mad at them as they are my own grammar mistakes. I cant say im the best at story writing but I had hope for this. I would like to withdraw this application.
    Kaitlynn Lawson The Captain: https://cm-ss13.com/old/viewtopic.php?f=142&t=18802
    Alicia The Motherly Synthetic: https://cm-ss13.com/viewtopic.php?f=149&t=17406
    Ja'akir Aki The Messenger of the Gods: //showthrea...or-Application
    Staff history:
    Spoiler Spoiler:

  8. #8
    Whitelisted Predator MattAtlas's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by VortexGaming View Post
    One of the people who proof read my story was on the Council so that upsets me a bit, but I cant really get mad at them as they are my own grammar mistakes. I cant say im the best at story writing but I had hope for this. I would like to withdraw this application.
    Who reviewed this?
    Resident ex-punished Junior Developer and Coder, and ex three-time member of the Yautja Council, two-time member of the Synth Council.

    See with your eyes, my army of flies, when no one's alive...

  9. #9
    Senior Member VortexGaming's Avatar
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    Sailordave for when the rough draft was first finished and then I made my first batch of edits and due to him being busy I asked for ghostdex to proof read it afterwards. He said "okay the story is decent and i can't spot any glaring grammatical errors"
    Kaitlynn Lawson The Captain: https://cm-ss13.com/old/viewtopic.php?f=142&t=18802
    Alicia The Motherly Synthetic: https://cm-ss13.com/viewtopic.php?f=149&t=17406
    Ja'akir Aki The Messenger of the Gods: //showthrea...or-Application
    Staff history:
    Spoiler Spoiler:

  10. #10
    CM-SS13 Host ThesoldierLLJK's Avatar
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    There�s literally grammatical errors in the first sentence vortex.
    Like I said the story was more meh, and your predator is really not unique

    I like you, but you did not reach the bar on this one
    -1

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