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Thread: Critilius - Yautja Application

  1. #1
    Senior Member Critilius's Avatar
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    Critilius - Yautja Application

    Yautja Whitelist Application
    Byond ID:
    Critilius

    Discord ID
    Critilius

    Marine Name
    Aden Cooper

    Name of the Yautja Character you wish to play
    Rokklnor

    Have you read the honor code and do you understand that if you breach the honor code you may be subject to disciplinary action and have your whitelist revoked for a set amount of time?
    Yes I have read the honor code and I understand any breach of the rules and the honor code can result in action taken and possibly a White-List Removal.

    Name and history of your Yautja’s clan:
    Clan Bayo was one of the clans that had its roots in the Kuligon system. Yautjas of the Clan Bayo were known for their skills in the use of spears while hunting for honorable prey, they were also known as honorable Yaujtas that worshipped Paya the god of Hunt and Glory.

    There were also other Clans that had their roots deep within the Kuligon system, one of the considerably larger ones was called Clan Rokka. They were fierce warriors known for their skills in wielding blunt weapons. Legend has it the founder of Clan Rokka was given a mighty hammer personally by the Paya itself.

    Every 4 years, 2 Chieftains of both Clans came together and started a joint hunt between 2 clans called Okka-Al. Every warrior was able to participate in this joint hunt except the young Yaujtas who have not fulfilled their rite of passage yet. This would be a learning experience for them as their kin hunted honorable prey and shared their experiences with the young Yaujtas. The 2 Chieftains would get together and hunt an Elder Lizard queen in the ancient ruins of Ramsos. If a warrior wanted to participate in this event they must find a partner from the other Clan and hunt great lizards in the name of Hunt and Glory practicing their beliefs and gaining experience. This event allowed both Clans to learn from each other and bestow their findings to the young warriors. With every generation forging great Yautjas that will hunt honorable prey for Paya.

    Throughout the generations both Clans have bonded together and in one of the Okka-Al ceremonies, both Chieftains of the Clan Bayo and Rokka were slain during a confrontation with the Lizard Queen. This has never happened before, in the history of Okka-Al. The Lizard Queen was a formidable opponent and seemed to be much stronger than any other Queen faced in this ceremony.

    According to the Legend, elders have selected 2 of the great warriors that have hunted honorable prey for their whole life and brought great honor to Paya and their Clan. These Yaujtas were young but they have held many trophies in their name from dangerous honorable prey across the solar system and others. One of the greatest trophies was a set of bones that belonged to an ape-like creature that was rumored to wander in the Jungles of Humlin-Ikkas, these were finger bones that were the size of an arms-length hinting at the great size of this beast. They belong to the warrior of Clan Bayo. The other trophy was from a serpent-like creature, the tail of the beast, sized 3 Yautja length and anatomy of an athletic and quick animal.

    If the rumors are true these trophies are legendary and belong to mighty warriors who have claimed them in the honorable hunt, these 2 warriors were chosen to defeat the Lizard Queen that the Honorable Chieftains were not able to.

    According to Legend, the Ceremony ended with the Queen Slain and both Yaujta Clans coming together and forming an eternal bond and creating the Clan Bayroktar. This new Clan united the 2 Clans who have worked together and perfected each other for centuries and brought glory and honor to the name of Paya the god of Hunt and Glory.

    Yautja Character Story
    Out of the hunt, a baby Yaujta was born, in the harsh conditions of Arto an inhospitable planet, His father was proud and felt honored by the gods for bestowing him with a strong child. His name, unknown face, was forgotten in time. All that is left of his mother is a sigil of Bayroktor. This Yaujta was born during an ambush and saved by another young Yaujta. For all his life his only family was Kuldor, his savior and his mentor. Rokklnor looked up to Kuldor as an elder brother and a teacher, he has learned the ways of the Yautja and the ways of their clan from Kuldor they were the last two remnants of Clan-Bayroktor.

    Rokklnor felt strongly about his old Clan and kept their traditions to heart. He must prove himself to be a great warrior, a hunter that is worthy of Paya the god of Hunt and Glory. Years had past and his desire for hunt grew stronger with every year, if it was up to him he would have attempted to hunt the great lizards of Ziliuon long ago, he was thought out of it by Kuldor multiple times.

    “I desire to Hunt Kuldor, I grow impatient every day waiting for these trials of warriors and great elders. I want to hunt! I can feel the great spirit of Paya.” Said Rokklnor raising his fists in the air, and grasping the rain. It was almost like he was in agony and pain.

    “Our time will come, brother, you must be patient. Paya is with you as much as he is with me. We must guide each other towards glory and hunt but first, we must be prepared. That is the first step.”Said Kuldor with a calm voice.

    Kuldor raised his hand to his neck and took a sigil out of his necklace, a small item with markings on it resembling a circle in a triangle. Rokklnor looked up to Kuldor and took his sigil, the only thing left of his mother and threw it into the raining sea. Rokklnor collapsed to his knees and roared but out of him, a new Yaujta was born. Kuldor has done the same and both made an unspoken promise that day, to keep Clan Bayroktor alive and to make it known by the glorious hunt.
    ------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
    “I have prepared everything brother, my armor thick of the Chitin and leather of the honorable prey slain in the heat of the hunt. My spear sharp and steady collected and assembled by parts during the hunt. I am ready to embark on Zilliuon to hunt the Great Lizards.” Said Rokklnor looking at his elder brother. Kuldor looked at Rokklnor and replied.” The time has finally come my brother. I am ready to embark on the hunt and earn my rite of passage of the way of the warrior, by Paya, we will achieve glory.”

    Landing on the Jungle of Zilliuon both started to scout the area, and converse in important details about the Planet, both understood the importance of teamwork and they were determined to claim a joint kill of a worthy great lizard together. The presence of these Lizards was noticeable from the far edges of the jungles and closer they got to the Ancient Pyramid built long ago by a long-forgotten civilization.

    At the entrance, a giant statue broken in half stood, with 2 legs visible wearing some kind of cloth, rest of the statue was on the ground with its left arm missing. Stairs leading underground were dusty and broken. The air had a foul smell to it and felt contaminated by unknown material.
    Rokklnor stepped into the pyramid with his brother following him from not too far away, he stood calm and steady as he saw many dead skeletons inspecting them to understand this prey much better. Among the skeleton remains were Yautja skeletons as well, other hunters of his tribe Bayroktar that wanted to pass the warriors rite of passage. This was the place his clan used to claim warriors passage, an ancient relic and history of his Clan.

    Suddenly a hissing sound was heard from the ceiling Kuldor looked up in great haste and raised his claws into the air slashing the Lizard jumping at him from a great distance, the lizard ran away as Kuldor slashed it, another one jumped at Rokklnor from the gap located under the statue that lied in front of him, with a great reflex and pull of the muscle Rokklnor caused the Lizard to miss and tried to stab the lizard in the arm but missed himself as well. Suddenly he was pushed with great mass to his right side falling on his back. Lizard was on top of him trying to stab Rokklnor with its tail failing to do so as Rokklnor struggled the creature. Kuldor grabbed the Lizards tail and slashed it, cutting it in half, the blood spray started melting into Kuldor armor and some of his unprotected arm. With great pain and agony, he took his armor and dropped it on the floor.

    Rokklnor grabs the creature by its head and kills it with his spear. It was not over however there as there was another lizard under the stone. Brother, Paya has blessed us today with a good and honorable hunt. We must per savior and head to the center of the pyramid. Rokklnor nodded in excitement. Yes brother we must get to the center. Both Yaujtas roared in great excitement of the hunt and the prey blessed them by Paya.

    In a dark room, the floor is filled with black weed walls surrounding hieroglyphics and ancient altars lying at the center of the room. Two brothers slowly crept towards the center as it was a vantage point with a small height advantage that could possibly be used against the great lizard. Suddenly both realized the Altar was a crate of ancient times and something was hidden inside but there was no time for prizes. The hunt itself was the prize for these Yautjas.

    Suddenly crawling noises started to be heard and increased as both were at the center, there was more than 1 Lizard. Brother we are surrounded said Rokllnor Kuldors reply was simple I love this hunt. Both Yaujtas roared in excitement as the Lizards leaped in to fight.

    First Lizard that came at Rokklnor was met with a spear throw, this pinned the Lizard to the ground. Seizing the opportunity Rokklnor made quick work of the incapacitated Lizard by cutting its head off. The distance between Kuldor and Rokklnor was considerable. Rokklnor realized Kuldor was attacked by both Lizards one of them was missing its leg Kuldor was fierce in his skills and very proficient but he was outclassed as he was fighting 2 on 1. Kulnor managed to kill one of the Lizards and one with a hand missing was the only one that remained. Rokklnor was about to intervene but suddenly Kuldor yelled Brother let me fight this creature, I must have this kill for my honor. This was a great matchup for a Yaujta as both parties were injured. Kuldor was not able to operate his arm properly as he was burned by the Lizard's blood but the Lizard was missing an arm as well.

    Kuldor lunged at the Lizard trying to slash it with his wrist blades. The lizard was very fast and dextrous in his ability to dodge and evade these attacks. Rokklnor observing the fight realized something odd. The lizard was afraid it wanted to flee at the first opportunity. Kuldor yelled and lunged himself at the Lizard killing it in the process. He roared so loud and fell down to his knees. “Brother, we have achieved the rite of the warrior’s path” he said. Rokklnor nodded in excitement and let off a roar as well.

    Both brothers took this time to recover, finally, it was time to leave the temple but there was one more thing. The crate could be opened at the Altar It contained 2 Plasma rifles still functional left for the last hunters that came here for their rite of passage.

    “We did it Kuldor we are warriors now it is time we hunt honorable pray in the name of Paya and bring glory to our Clan Bayroktar, let it be known across the galaxy as the greatest hunters of the most honorable Yautja is a Yaujta of the Bayroktar.” Both brothers roared and thanked Paya for this hunt. There began their journey in the greatest hunt it was to come.
    ---------------------------------------------
    The Quirk and Personality of my Yautja:

    Rokklnor is an optimistic predator whatever the situation maybe he believes with time everything can be handled. He hunts to praise Paya but it is also a recreational activity for him, the hunt allows Rokklnor to forget the past, while on the hunt he lives in the present moment. Rokklnor is a man of many talents these include communication, problem-solving, decision making. He finds great interest in written documents of different species, in this case, the humans. Although he does not know how to read these books due to a difference in a dialect he is continuously trying to improve and learn from past experiences.

    It is a great interest to him to understand the driving forces of different species what is their goals and ambitions. Empathy is another strong suit of Rokklnor being born in the chaos he is able to relate and effectively communicate with other Yautjas regarding their issues and problems, this also includes other species as he deep down understands the core reasons of individual behavior.

    Do you understand that any behavior that is unbecoming of a member of the community may result in you having your whitelist revoked? Such things include, but are not limited to: Racism, toxicity, excessive or malicious trolling, abuse of staff or etc.
    I do understand.

    Do you understand that you may face having your whitelist revoked, or other disciplinary action undertaken, should you be banned or warned on the CM discord?
    Yes

    Do you understand that you cannot advertise your application on any platform for votes. Do you also understand you may not edit this application 1 hour after it has been posted?
    Yes

    Do you understand that community members may report your in-game actions on the forums, and that you may be asked to defend your actions.
    Yes

  2. #2
    Member JaioAcex's Avatar
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    I'm a bit confused... How does your pred act? Like, what is his personality? He seems like he just wishes to hunt.

  3. #3
    Senior Member Critilius's Avatar
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    @JaioAcex Hi, First I would like to mention that I am not the best writer and I apologize if I was vague about Rokklnor's personality. I have also added a quirk and a personality section right below the story in case you missed it. In summary.

    Rokklnor is optimistic and has a great sense of humor when it comes to difficult situations. He is compassionate and patient when it comes to completing tasks helping others and communicating with other life forms. Rokklnor would rather solve a problem than create more problems in the process of possibly avoiding one.

    He has focus and will do his best to complete his objective. Eg. Hunt, Helping another Yautja, etc.
    Aden Cooper


  4. #4
    Member JaioAcex's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Critilius View Post
    @JaioAcex Hi, First I would like to mention that I am not the best writer and I apologize if I was vague about Rokklnor's personality. I have also added a quirk and a personality section right below the story in case you missed it. In summary.

    Rokklnor is optimistic and has a great sense of humor when it comes to difficult situations. He is compassionate and patient when it comes to completing tasks helping others and communicating with other life forms. Rokklnor would rather solve a problem than create more problems in the process of possibly avoiding one.

    He has focus and will do his best to complete his objective. Eg. Hunt, Helping another Yautja, etc.
    Alright, I've seen it now, I personally like the biography, and I've seen you put into multiple roleplay encounters ICLY, therefore, even if it doesn't mean anything. I'll slide a +1, because I personally would entrust you.

  5. #5
    Member BurnedSweetPotato's Avatar
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    cool guy and beast +1
    beast

  6. #6
    Member ShepTI's Avatar
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    I could tell you put the effort into researching yautja lore and mannerisms before making this application, as well as I've seen you interact with preds on multiple occasions as a marine, presumably to get into the character of a predator and how they should act. Personally, I had no problem discerning what your quirk was either so this is definitely a cool guy and beast +1 from me as well
    Jonathan Hogg/SHP




  7. #7
    Synthetic Council Member QuickLoad's Avatar
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    The history of your Yautja clan was surprisingly indepth, it's my first time reviewing the new application style so that was cool.

    However, your story came with a lot of quotation errors and a few poor transitions, ontop of that it seemed to be a regular combat story.(not going to bother mentioning regular grammar since I'm assuming english is not your first language)
    That's not the largest problem with it, it's primarily that your story doesn't talk about your quirk asides from Paya(already a really popular god; nothing wrong with that but your quirk described feels weak when not exemplified in the story outside of honoring a god which many already honor).

    As for your quirk itself, while I found honoring Paya and being an optimist to be sorta boring, I did find that your Yautja's interest in literature to be interesting. It's a shame that the story only played out like a regular combat scene though :/
    I feel that not writing more about your quirk is a missed opportunity. You don't really sell any of your quirks.

    So why does your application feel generic?
    Your predator likes Paya(infact, this is the only god they worship), who is the god of the Hunt.
    Predators... they hunt.
    Your god is what predators do. My goodness!
    Now it feels generic - couple that with a combat oriented story which doesn't speak much of your character's quirks and it starts to bleed through.
    The story is a great chance to show us how good you are at playing your character, especially their quirks. Your story instead was really.. regular.


    Your application de-facto is quite lackluster and definitely could've used more revision and proofreading. The fact you had some quotations and missed others ultimately feels like you rushed the application and/or did not bother to proofread.
    Revisions aren't only because of your grammatical errors but also sorta boring style, for example you wrote literally "Paya the god of Hunt and Glory" three times, twice being in your clan description alone. It was really off-putting to read and not engaging sadly.

    Ingame-wise, much of your experience with predators seems to always be challenging them to a duel. This is a big problem, there are already enough predators who don't RP their quirk and play every now and then to kill people and not much more. God forbid they're killing a new player who is all alone - there's a difference between hunting someone and scaring them(or otherwise, meaningfully interacting with them) and just spamming left click on some poor chap bringing ammo to the front.
    I also feel your RP could be improved significantly ingame from a regular marine perspective.

    I hope that helps you understand some of the holes in your app.

    All that said, your app de-facto is a -1.
    Lack of effort in revisions, many grammatical errors, one-dimensional character, poor traits, poorer story, and your in-game interactions with predators have been unimpressive to the RP standards of many Yautja.

  8. #8
    Senior Member Swagbag's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by QuickLoad View Post
    The history of your Yautja clan was surprisingly indepth, it's my first time reviewing the new application style so that was cool.

    However, your story came with a lot of quotation errors and a few poor transitions, ontop of that it seemed to be a regular combat story.(not going to bother mentioning regular grammar since I'm assuming english is not your first language)
    That's not the largest problem with it, it's primarily that your story doesn't talk about your quirk asides from Paya(already a really popular god; nothing wrong with that but your quirk described feels weak when not exemplified in the story outside of honoring a god which many already honor).

    As for your quirk itself, while I found honoring Paya and being an optimist to be sorta boring, I did find that your Yautja's interest in literature to be interesting. It's a shame that the story only played out like a regular combat scene though :/
    I feel that not writing more about your quirk is a missed opportunity. You don't really sell any of your quirks.

    So why does your application feel generic?
    Your predator likes Paya(infact, this is the only god they worship), who is the god of the Hunt.
    Predators... they hunt.
    Your god is what predators do. My goodness!
    Now it feels generic - couple that with a combat oriented story which doesn't speak much of your character's quirks and it starts to bleed through.
    The story is a great chance to show us how good you are at playing your character, especially their quirks. Your story instead was really.. regular.


    Your application de-facto is quite lackluster and definitely could've used more revision and proofreading. The fact you had some quotations and missed others ultimately feels like you rushed the application and/or did not bother to proofread.
    Revisions aren't only because of your grammatical errors but also sorta boring style, for example you wrote literally "Paya the god of Hunt and Glory" three times, twice being in your clan description alone. It was really off-putting to read and not engaging sadly.

    Ingame-wise, much of your experience with predators seems to always be challenging them to a duel. This is a big problem, there are already enough predators who don't RP their quirk and play every now and then to kill people and not much more. God forbid they're killing a new player who is all alone - there's a difference between hunting someone and scaring them(or otherwise, meaningfully interacting with them) and just spamming left click on some poor chap bringing ammo to the front.
    I also feel your RP could be improved significantly ingame from a regular marine perspective.

    I hope that helps you understand some of the holes in your app.

    All that said, your app de-facto is a -1.
    Lack of effort in revisions, many grammatical errors, one-dimensional character, poor traits, poorer story, and your in-game interactions with predators have been unimpressive to the RP standards of many Yautja.
    I never vote on applications outside CO apps. But there's a difference here.

    When I saw Aden Cooper's CO application I was taken back by the bad English and story writing that he provided in his app, that being said he did get accepted and while at first I was displeased at his performance as a CO, his English, RP skills and what not have improved tremendously by playing CO and other roles in CM. Critilius in my opinion, will make a great Yautja for roleplay reasons, even if he won't be the most epic gamer Yautja alive or something.

  9. #9
    Senior Member Axyinious's Avatar
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    I'm not a yautja so my opinion doesn't matter but Aden is a good CO and a good roleplayer. I believe he will be a good addition to the yautja hunters. +1
    I play as Viktor 'Beer' Kleiner, Matthaus and as Var'dqi Bo'ytill




    LT COL. VIKTOR KLEINER, USS LOWË'S COMMANDING OFFICER

    PROVISIONAL COMMAND OVER THE USS ALMAYER


    Ex-CO Councillor. If you have any questions regarding the whitelist, feel free to DM me.
    Discord is Axyinious#3635

  10. #10
    Ancient Member
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    I agree with Swagbag on this one, Aden went from an unremarkable CO/player with mediocre English skills to one of the better players on the server, and one who I am always happy to see in game.
    Definite +1 from me, I hope he gets it.

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