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Thread: Critilius - Yautja Application

  1. #1
    Senior Member Critilius's Avatar
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    Critilius - Yautja Application

    Yautja Whitelist Application
    Byond ID:

    Discord ID

    Marine Name
    Aden Cooper

    Name of the Yautja Character you wish to play

    Have you read the honor code and do you understand that if you breach the honor code you may be subject to disciplinary action and have your whitelist revoked for a set amount of time?
    Yes I Understand

    Name and history of your Yautja’s clan:
    Bayroktar Clan

    Clan Bayo was one of the clans that had its roots in the Kuligon system. Yautjas of the Clan Bayo were known for their skills in the use of spears while hunting for honorable prey, they were also known as honorable Yaujtas that worshipped Paya the god of Hunt and Glory.

    There were also other Clans that had their roots deep within the Kuligon system, one of the considerably larger ones was called Clan Rokka. They were fierce warriors known for their skills in wielding blunt weapons. Legend has it the founder of Clan Rokka was given a mighty hammer personally by the Paya itself.

    Every 4 years, 2 Chieftains of both Clans came together and started a joint hunt between 2 clans called Okka-Al. Every warrior was able to participate in this joint hunt except the young Yaujtas who have not fulfilled their rite of passage yet. This would be a learning experience for them as their kin hunted honorable prey and shared their experiences with the young Yaujtas. The 2 Chieftains would get together and hunt an Elder Lizard queen in the ancient ruins of Ramsos. If a warrior wanted to participate in this event they must find a partner from the other Clan and hunt great lizards in the name of Hunt and Glory practicing their beliefs and gaining experience. This event allowed both Clans to learn from each other and bestow their findings to the young warriors. With every generation forging great Yautjas that will hunt honorable prey for Paya.

    Throughout the generations both Clans have bonded together and in one of the Okka-Al ceremonies, both Chieftains of the Clan Bayo and Rokka were slain during a confrontation with the Lizard Queen. This has never happened before, in the history of Okka-Al. The Lizard Queen was a formidable opponent and seemed to be much stronger than any other Queen faced in this ceremony.

    According to the Legend, elders have selected 2 of the great warriors that have hunted honorable prey for their whole life and brought great honor to Paya and their Clan. These Yaujtas were young but they have held many trophies in their name from dangerous honorable prey across the solar system and others. One of the greatest trophies was a set of bones that belonged to an ape-like creature that was rumored to wander in the Jungles of Humlin-Ikkas, these were finger bones that were the size of an arms-length hinting at the great size of this beast. They belong to the warrior of Clan Bayo. The other trophy was from a serpent-like creature, the tail of the beast, sized 3 Yautja length and anatomy of an athletic and quick animal.

    If the rumors are true these trophies are legendary and belong to mighty warriors who have claimed them in the honorable hunt, these 2 warriors were chosen to defeat the Lizard Queen that the Honorable Chieftains were not able to.

    According to Legend, the Ceremony ended with the Queen Slain and both Yaujta Clans coming together and forming an eternal bond and creating the Clan Bayroktar. This new Clan united the 2 Clans who have worked together and perfected each other for centuries and brought glory and honor to the name of Paya the god of Hunt and Glory.

    Yautja Character Story
    Out of the hunt, a baby Yaujta was born, in the harsh conditions of Arto an inhospitable planet, His father was proud and felt honored by the gods for bestowing him with a strong child. His name, unknown face, was forgotten in time. All that is left of his mother is a sigil of Bayroktor. This Yaujta was born during an ambush and saved by another young Yaujta. For all his life his only family was Kuldor, his savior and his mentor. Rokklnor looked up to Kuldor as an elder brother and a teacher, he has learned the ways of the Yautja and the ways of their clan from Kuldor they were the last two remnants of Clan-Bayroktor.

    Rokklnor felt strongly about his old Clan and kept their traditions to heart. He must prove himself to be a great warrior, a hunter that is worthy of Paya the god of Hunt and Glory. Years had past and his desire for hunt grew stronger with every year, if it was up to him he would have attempted to hunt the great lizards of Ziliuon long ago, he was thought out of it by Kuldor multiple times.

    “I desire to Hunt Kuldor, I grow impatient every day waiting for these trials of warriors and great elders. I want to hunt! I can feel the great spirit of Paya.” Said Rokklnor raising his fists in the air, and grasping the rain. It was almost like he was in agony and pain.

    “Our time will come, brother, you must be patient. Paya is with you as much as he is with me. We must guide each other towards glory and hunt but first, we must be prepared. That is the first step.”Said Kuldor with a calm voice.

    Kuldor raised his hand to his neck and took a sigil out of his necklace, a small item with markings on it resembling a circle in a triangle. Rokklnor looked up to Kuldor and took his sigil, the only thing left of his mother and threw it into the raining sea. Rokklnor collapsed to his knees and roared but out of him, a new Yaujta was born. Kuldor has done the same and both made an unspoken promise that day, to keep Clan Bayroktor alive and to make it known by the glorious hunt.
    “I have prepared everything brother, my armor thick of the Chitin and leather of the honorable prey slain in the heat of the hunt. My spear sharp and steady collected and assembled by parts during the hunt. I am ready to embark on Zilliuon to hunt the Great Lizards.” Said Rokklnor looking at his elder brother. Kuldor looked at Rokklnor and replied.” The time has finally come my brother. I am ready to embark on the hunt and earn my rite of passage of the way of the warrior, by Paya, we will achieve glory.”

    Landing on the Jungle of Zilliuon both started to scout the area, and converse in important details about the Planet, both understood the importance of teamwork and they were determined to claim a joint kill of a worthy great lizard together. The presence of these Lizards was noticeable from the far edges of the jungles and closer they got to the Ancient Pyramid built long ago by a long-forgotten civilization.

    At the entrance, a giant statue broken in half stood, with 2 legs visible wearing some kind of cloth, rest of the statue was on the ground with its left arm missing. Stairs leading underground were dusty and broken. The air had a foul smell to it and felt contaminated by unknown material.
    Rokklnor stepped into the pyramid with his brother following him from not too far away, he stood calm and steady as he saw many dead skeletons inspecting them to understand this prey much better. Among the skeleton remains were Yautja skeletons as well, other hunters of his tribe Bayroktar that wanted to pass the warriors rite of passage. This was the place his clan used to claim warriors passage, an ancient relic and history of his Clan.

    Suddenly a hissing sound was heard from the ceiling Kuldor looked up in great haste and raised his claws into the air slashing the Lizard jumping at him from a great distance, the lizard ran away as Kuldor slashed it, another one jumped at Rokklnor from the gap located under the statue that lied in front of him, with a great reflex and pull of the muscle Rokklnor caused the Lizard to miss and tried to stab the lizard in the arm but missed himself as well. Suddenly he was pushed with great mass to his right side falling on his back. Lizard was on top of him trying to stab Rokklnor with its tail failing to do so as Rokklnor struggled the creature. Kuldor grabbed the Lizards tail and slashed it, cutting it in half, the blood spray started melting into Kuldor armor and some of his unprotected arm. With great pain and agony, he took his armor and dropped it on the floor.

    Rokklnor grabs the creature by its head and kills it with his spear. It was not over however there as there was another lizard under the stone. Brother, Paya has blessed us today with a good and honorable hunt. We must per savior and head to the center of the pyramid. Rokklnor nodded in excitement. Yes brother we must get to the center. Both Yaujtas roared in great excitement of the hunt and the prey blessed them by Paya.

    In a dark room, the floor is filled with black weed walls surrounding hieroglyphics and ancient altars lying at the center of the room. Two brothers slowly crept towards the center as it was a vantage point with a small height advantage that could possibly be used against the great lizard. Suddenly both realized the Altar was a crate of ancient times and something was hidden inside but there was no time for prizes. The hunt itself was the prize for these Yautjas.

    Suddenly crawling noises started to be heard and increased as both were at the center, there was more than 1 Lizard. Brother we are surrounded said Rokllnor Kuldors reply was simple I love this hunt. Both Yaujtas roared in excitement as the Lizards leaped in to fight.

    First Lizard that came at Rokklnor was met with a spear throw, this pinned the Lizard to the ground. Seizing the opportunity Rokklnor made quick work of the incapacitated Lizard by cutting its head off. The distance between Kuldor and Rokklnor was considerable. Rokklnor realized Kuldor was attacked by both Lizards one of them was missing its leg Kuldor was fierce in his skills and very proficient but he was outclassed as he was fighting 2 on 1. Kulnor managed to kill one of the Lizards and one with a hand missing was the only one that remained. Rokklnor was about to intervene but suddenly Kuldor yelled Brother let me fight this creature, I must have this kill for my honor. This was a great matchup for a Yaujta as both parties were injured. Kuldor was not able to operate his arm properly as he was burned by the Lizard's blood but the Lizard was missing an arm as well.

    Kuldor lunged at the Lizard trying to slash it with his wrist blades. The lizard was very fast and dextrous in his ability to dodge and evade these attacks. Rokklnor observing the fight realized something odd. The lizard was afraid it wanted to flee at the first opportunity. Kuldor yelled and lunged himself at the Lizard killing it in the process. He roared so loud and fell down to his knees. “Brother, we have achieved the rite of the warrior’s path” he said. Rokklnor nodded in excitement and let off a roar as well.

    Both brothers took this time to recover, finally, it was time to leave the temple but there was one more thing. The crate could be opened at the Altar It contained 2 Plasma rifles still functional left for the last hunters that came here for their rite of passage.

    “We did it Kuldor we are warriors now it is time we hunt honorable pray in the name of Paya and bring glory to our Clan Bayroktar, let it be known across the galaxy as the greatest hunters of the most honorable Yautja is a Yaujta of the Bayroktar.” Both brothers roared and thanked Paya for this hunt. There began their journey in the greatest hunt it was to come.

    Do you understand that any behavior that is unbecoming of a member of the community may result in you having your whitelist revoked? Such things include, but are not limited to: Racism, toxicity, excessive or malicious trolling, abuse of staff or etc.
    I do understand.

    Do you understand that you may face having your whitelist revoked, or other disciplinary action undertaken, should you be banned or warned on the CM discord?

    Do you understand that you cannot advertise your application on any platform for votes. Do you also understand you may not edit this application 1 hour after it has been posted?

    Do you understand that community members may report your in-game actions on the forums, and that you may be asked to defend your actions.

  2. #2
    Whitelisted Predator MarpleJones's Avatar
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    Hey, Critilius! I'll start by thanking you for re-applying again after staying patient for 30 days. I've given your current, and former, application a run-through (especially since I didn't have the chance to reply to your previous one) and arrived at both positive and rather negative conclusions. Keep in mind that I've mostly only spent my time breaking down what you both wrote and abstained from writing.

    Your clan history is outstanding. Many could argue that it is far too "mediocre" or "simple," but I enjoyed it throughout its entirety. The way you described the fruitless endeavor which was the hunt for the empress, and the deed being handed down an entire generation, only for them to rise arms and defeat her for good, just gave an extensive amount of insight into what sort of clan your's was. Well done!

    Following suit, your character's backstory picked up where the history left off, rounding up the whole premise of "duality". The talk of two brethren, one being the mentor figure for the other, making their way through the hurdle of their clan's traditions. And here's where I feel you could've added a little bit more spice to it. You've already established where your character is, and what relationship he has to his brother, but you've left it to a simple combat scenario (, one which, quite frankly, didn't entice me as much). There are obviously a couple of spelling errors, and I'm a little bewildered as to why you didn't address those in the thirty days you had to prepare another application; that, as such, leads me to believe that you simply thought of it as not necessary to change anything at all, especially since you already received so much positive feedback regarding your in-game roleplay.

    And that disappoints me a little.

    The story isn't the application itself, but still a good portion of it. I do not doubt your roleplay capabilities, and given that so many people did reply in favor of you being accepted, I am positive that you won't be having any issues with the role. However, from what you wrote alone, it was hard for me to gather how your character acts and what kind of hunter they are. And that is, boiled down, really why we ask people to write stories in the first place. I'm confused as to why you would've removed the passage "The Quirk and Personality of my Yautja", instead of adding to it.

    Quote Originally Posted by Critilius
    I would like to say that I have learned a lot for the duration of this application on how to improve my application and what is wanted from a Yautja player and I am sure I will do better if I am declined the next time I apply.
    This is a snippet from the previous application, and I'm sad to see that it didn't age well. I believe that there is still too much room for improvement, and whilst you answered many of the concerns in your replies, you haven't used the opportunity to apply any of them here. I'm sorry to say that this will be a -1 from me.
    Last edited by MarpleJones; 06-02-2020 at 05:16 PM.
    Captain: Nelson M. Dollar
    Yautja: Gol'don Vabr'i

  3. #3
    Whitelisted Predator
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    My concern is, is that outside of hunting, both your clan and character stories tell me absolutely nothing about your clan or character that isn't "Me hunt, me click, me clack".

    While I understand we are still working on the lore, we have specified that your character should be more than just a cliche. I will tell you thought that I do like the various traditions you have described.

    Name and history of your Yautja’s clan:
    You must provide the name of the clan to which your Yautja belongs to, as well, you must provide at minimum a 1 page story detailing your clan’s history. Please see the clan and societal sections for more information on Yautja society and clans

    Yautja character story:
    You are expected to provide, at a minimum, a 1 page story to which describes your character. This story can be told from any perspective, but it must tell us about who your character is. You should talk about how your character acts and how they behave with other Yautja.

    While Yautja are commonly portrayed as violent, clichéd alien hunters, in CM:SS13 you will be expected to provide a story that involves more than your character participating in a hunt, though it can still contain one. Be creative, you will not be penalized for doing so, as long as you stay within the boundaries of what is generally known about the Yautja, what is in the CM Yautja society and clan’s document and the Yautja pantheon/gods document"
    I am going to request more input on this from the council and community.

    The plannest resolution date for this application will be 06-21-20, unless I choose to resolve it by then.
    Last edited by RobBrown4PM; 06-07-2020 at 08:15 PM.

  4. #4
    Whitelisted Predator
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    Hi there, Critilius

    I'm going to be denying this application on the following grounds:

    - Your story was not creative enough.
    - You did not expand upon your clan and character enough
    - Your application did not attract enough attention from the community or council.

    I am going to defer your application for 30 days. Please try again then.

    By the time that you apply next, the lore for the official Yautja will be ready. I will ask that you refer to it when creating your next app.
    Last edited by RobBrown4PM; 06-21-2020 at 06:06 PM.

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