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Thread: The True Guide to CMSS13 (Part 2- Shipside)

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    Whitelisted Captain Total_Epicness's Avatar
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    The True Guide to CMSS13 (Part 2- Shipside)

    Sarcasm
    noun
    the use of remarks that clearly mean the opposite of what they say, made in order to hurt someone's feelings or to criticize something in a humorous way


    Shipside

    Just like in real life there are only two types of shipside people. Essential workers and useless idiots.

    CO

    • XO+ with big boy gun
    • Have a mutiny roundstart because of the MPs
    • Write an essay to apply for CO, only to get rejected because the story isn't gay enough for the CO council's liking
    • Loot morgue before you deploy so you can be decked out with an SG, full autoinjector pouch and 4 M15s
    • BE someone at least once every round.
    • Portray your dumb gimmicks
    • Pre write an elaborate briefing and have no one care because they only care about orders
    • Have people bitch at you for everything
    • Deploy because CIC is boring, then disappear and die and a corner somewhere while no one knows what happened to you
    • Get blamed for the operational failure no matter what.
    • Find out that orders are useless because everyone just ends up in a murderball toward the hive at one point or another
    • announce south pods/tankbay holdout for the billionth time

    XO

    • Most of the people playing this are, or planning to apply to CO
    • Direct your squads individually for the first couple minutes after deployment. Then loosely guide the murderball after
    • protip:The only way to get ungas attention if you scream queen in their face
    • Manage your SOs, who most of the time suck at passing any useful information.
    • End up running the ship more than the CO because they have the right to become PFC+ and have fun groundside
    • Scream about the push being flanked
    • Everyone continues to unga and ignores
    • Get blamed for the operational failure anyway

    SO/LT

    • Be the reason why the good hits midi exists
    • spectate the round through PFCs pov cameras
    • Always deliver supplies/fire OB when its too late.
    • Go SSD when it starts getting stressful
    • Deliver supplies on OB coords
    • Then fire an OB on supply coords
    • Must fire at least on bad OB or you are not a real SO, XO or CO even.
    • bitch when the CO/XO takes your OW because you were passing useless information


    MP

    • Take shitsec from SS13, remove antags which is their purpose of existance, and you get MPs
    • Can't find anything to do? Create it by arresting specs, For an instant riot! Extra points if its delta spec
    • Get bwoinked because your arrest of delta spec for existing caused an entire mutiny to happen and cause xeno players to die of boredem because no one deployed
    • Unintentionally cause a marine major because half the xenos went SSD not wanting to wait out the shipside BS
    • press funny button in briefing whenever an unga throws a flare
    • Throw flashbangs like candy. Remember you MUST throw at least one flashbang every round
    • delay deployment for 20 minutes because the person who broke into alpha prep for an agrip is inside the alamo
    • Go SSD after marines deploy, there is nothing to do from here on out for the next couple hours


    CMP

    • You are basically a political commisar, except that the Marine Law and SOP is what your ideology.
    • Anyone in command violate SOP or ML ,even just a little bit? Fax provost marshals on the spot and have them executed for it. Even if its the captain.
    • Get robusted in a mutiny and only get saved by the mere waves of RMPs that the admemes send.
    • Some charlie broke into delta prep? By destroying government property you are indirectly sabatoging the ship and the operation. Execution.
    • After deployment, erp with CL and survs the rest of the round until you go SSD or benos crash on ship, then flashbang the holdout location while queen is there.
    • have a bald PVT "accidentally" pb you in the head and decap you
    • Someone took your boots while you were SSD? By taking boots you are sabatoging the operation by crippling essential operation personal and leaving them vulnerable to stepping on glass and getting athletes foot. Execution.


    IO

    • IO players are either robust or not
    • They either get DEFCON 2 20 minutes after deployment or stay on DEFCON 5 for an hour.
    • either clean the map of intel, die in some corner or get captured
    • #1 target of lurker and runner mains
    • Lone wolf simulator.
    • if you get detected by xenovision, you have a 70 percent chance of dying

    Pilot/PO

    • Claim CAS roundstart, if you don't get it, cryo
    • Get CAS DS, load up fatties and make an epic firemission
    • Everyone with JTAC kits dies 20 minutes into the round and you end up wasting your time.
    • Instantly cryo if you are the 3rd PO
    • Realise transport PO can literally be done with a mouse macro/bot, and easily too. do exactly that, forget you were playing CM and accidentally bring the DS down to hungry xenos.
    • Leave half the marines behind when you evac
    • If there is nuke don't launch the DS until you hear it start to detonate.
    • leave the doors open like a retard, get decapped when a metagaming runner gang board DS first drop
    • Fight over DS points
    • Take off 10 minutes early before everyone is onboard and lose the game for marines
    • arrive 15 minutes after LZ has been wiped and get destroyed by benos as you land

    SEA

    • Get excited becaue you got new role! Yay!
    • Realise after the first round, the rules prevent you from doing anything except RPing and helping baldies
    • Get ignored most of the time, even by baldies
    • Protect cryo from cryocamping shipside benos
    • Never play the role again
    • Shitpost in Mhelps, give devour response to everything
    • have your mentor removed when you get EORG banned because some idiot took their ID off and ran over your claymore

    VC

    • 90% of the time, more balder than most PFCs
    • makes old TC mains (like me) roll in their grave every time they play
    • Runs over people constantly
    • always bald because the devs declared war on tank and all the TC mains jumped ship when it was overnerfed to shit due to salt
    • because of that,no one is there to teach them unfortunately
    • most of the time, sits at the back of the battle doing jack shit

    OT

    • mass-produce gamer nades
    • Blow up OT room
    • Spend an hour trying to make the perfect nade, only for it be equivalent to a wet fart in a swimming pool
    • Now that OTs were nerfed because robustos mass produced OB nades,explosions were nerfed in general and every other caste has explosion resistance, incen nades are the meta now.
    • Make the perfect gamer nade
    • benos already crashing into ship
    • try suicide bomb queen while SD is being defended
    • get neurospammed before you even see the queen on screen
    • explode and kill everyone in SD

    CE

    • deploy to the FOB with gamer earphones and kill queen while high as fuck on research drugs so they can't neurospam or kill you

    99% of CEs fall into these three catagorys
    1. Deploy groundside and assist with megafobbing
    2. Become OT+ with command bitching rights
    3. Do retarded and pointless engineering projects around the ship like remake medbay

    Doctor

    • Make planned parenthood look like daycare with all the abortions you are doing
    • Always wants to make the ultimate unga juice in chem but gets bogged down with medic orders before they can even start making it
    • If there is more than three things you have to work on, throw them in the autodoc
    • forget to do cryo mix
    • put someone inside the cryo chamber
    • assume its healing them because it isn't auto ejecting
    • leave them there for the rest of the round
    • Mass produce drugs and make even Walter White jealous

    CMO

    • Doctor + with command rights
    • always scream at CL for fucking around research
    • did I say doctor+?
    • thats litterally it.
    • somehow be one of the last people alive

    Research

    • Spend half your round dealing with corpses
    • spend the rest of it trying to research gamer drugs
    • By the time you make it, the rounds almost over and the Xenos are about to crash into ship
    • Give xenos /tg/ station adrenals TC trade flashbacks when you use the ACID vest, fill it with your drugs, run faster than usain bolt and robust them all with tac shottie
    • Finally get an epic recipe roundstart and start mass production
    • its the one round where marines steamroll bald xenos and no one uses them



    CT

    • do bitchwork for the RO
    • run req for the first 20 minutes, then cryo after
    • go batshit crazy with a wrench and deconstruct half the ship for mats
    • Piss off MPs in the proccess
    • get banned after you yeet the CMP down ASRS

    RO

    • God of cargonia. All hail cargonia
    • Wants to order cool shit but gets bogged down by spec orders and mats
    • Start a riot because you gave ungas crayons and the CMP took them away
    • load up supply crates all round
    • Get bitched at for ammo, mats,etc.
    • Bitch at command for req points


    CL

    • Write elaborate essays of fax messages only to get ignored
    • give up and start shitposting in fax messages then get shitpost responses
    • Realise that admins don't care
    • do dumb gimmicks to pass the time
    • End up soft antagging around the ship
    • annoy research and IOs
    • Get arrested by MPs
    • never play the role again

    Synth

    • Take everything wrong with whitelists and multiply it, you have the hardest role to get
    • You can apply for a six figure job IRL at Google with the amount of shit you have to go through to apply for this but you still play CM
    • Finally get WL after spending days writing an entire fucking novel series on your synth
    • Realise you are basically an assistant+ , and on many times, get the bitchwork like OW
    • Get bored, deploy grounside after asking,rescue marines and get bodies.
    • Cough on a xeno while they are kicking your shit in as you are rescueing a body.
    • Discover the 20 player reports they submitted not two minutes later for combat synthing
    • Get dewhitelisted for combat synthing mid round
    • Never play CM again.

    edit: fixed a bunch of typos
















    Last edited by Total_Epicness; 08-15-2020 at 08:48 AM.
    Benson 'Bengus' Gusman, Frankie 'LTB' Sulyard (old TC name)



  2. #2
    Member shogun-liquid's Avatar
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    10/10 top kek.


    EDIT: Read first part and epic. When are you doing Xeno guide?
    Last edited by shogun-liquid; 08-15-2020 at 02:36 AM.
    Hans Von Leygood
    How my rounds typically end:
    Spoiler Spoiler:

  3. #3
    Whitelisted Captain Total_Epicness's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by shogun-liquid View Post
    10/10 top kek.


    EDIT: Read first part and epic. When are you doing Xeno guide?
    xeno guide will be done when I got time
    Benson 'Bengus' Gusman, Frankie 'LTB' Sulyard (old TC name)



  4. #4
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    CMP is so true. I get excited whenever I get a chance to fax high command for a chance to arrest CO's ass.

  5. #5
    Whitelisted Synthetic
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    The synth section is so accurate, that it's painful.

  6. #6
    Moderator 50RemAndCounting's Avatar
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    Prepare a reasonably elaborate rp scene for this round's briefing, no-one bats an eye. Don't do it or stick to somethint minimal because you're fed up with this stupid shit, everyone loses their minds. Many such cases!

    Sea and synth sections just give me ptsd tbh. So painfully true

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