An Alien's Guide to Playing Standard Marines

[Juninho77]

This guide is based on the thoughts of an alien player, and may be inaccurate and/or affected by biases.

1. Movement Guidelines
1.1 Rush Ahead.
Aliens are terrified of lone marines who rush ahead of their squad. It sends a clear message: he does not fear us, and therefore we must fear him. If he is dual wielding machine guns, he is even more scary. Nothing screams "I'm a badass" louder than a lone marine dual wielding those big guns. That is a certain way to scatter any aliens that see it. Some of us may run even run into maintenance and become trapped. Which takes us to the next point:

1.2 Chase Aliens Down [Preferrably Alone].
After you see us, we will probably be afraid of you and run. We are easily frightened by gun-wielding hosts. Your job is to exterminate us, and therefore you must chase us. This is especially true if you chase us alone into maintenance: we might just be paralyzed in fear, and you'll get an easy kill. Nothing illustrates to your squad how much of a badass you are better than bringing one of our corpses back to them. So, by all means, chase us.

1.3 Investigate. Alone.
I know that sometimes you have clear orders, like setting up a FoB, or securing a power source by setting up the singularity. But you're not a goddamn engineer. You're a warrior. Your untold job is to clear Nostromo of all alien scum, and you certainly won't do that by making sure the station is powered. Power is for sissies, and a FoB is for people who retreat. YOU DO NOT RETREAT.

That said, it is important that you ignore your squad's clear-cut orders and stray away to investigate every single little fucking weird thing. Remember, you are a badass. You will frighten most of the aliens, and those who try to take you down will learn just how much of a badass you are when you have your knife going through their skulls.

2 Communication Guidelines
2.1 Communication is for Pussies.
You know what's the best thing to do with your headset? Place it in a disposal chute and say "goodbye motherfucker". You do NOT need to communicate. You can take all hostiles down singlehandedly, so why even bother to hear your squad's ideas? For example, engineers are going to suggest the barricading of vital positions, but why would you barricade when you can exterminate? If there are no aliens left, barricades are useless. The logical conlusion is that engineers are useless.

Plus, you get bonus points of badassery for not having a headset. It sends a message to any aliens that see you: "I don't need those pussies. I will take you down myself." And boy, you have no idea how frightening that is for us.

2.2 Ignore the Squad Leader's Orders.
Of course this doesn't even have to be said, because you don't have a headset anymore. But if you happen to be given a direct order, the best course of action is to act like you didn't even hear it. Not caring about direct orders will show them how much of a badass you are. Your squad mates will respect you for that, and if aliens could understand your chat, they would be even more frightened of you.

3. Combat Guidelines
3.1 Aim for the Head.
Aliens are completely frightened of headshots. No, seriously, we are. True, you could accidentally hit another marine and cause a lot of damage because marine's helmets do not offer the same protection as their armors, but you know what? If they got into your way, fuck them. They are protecting aliens from your fire, which means they are harboring aliens and they deserve to get shot for that. Remember, you're all Nostromo needs. Aim for the head.

3.2 Do NOT Help Other Marines Up.
You see that all too often. Some marine gets spat at or facehugged in the midst of combat. Some people may suggest that you should drag them to safety, remove the alien from their face, and help them up. They are wrong, of course: you are NOT a doctor. You are a WARRIOR. You do not help. You avenge, you destroy. Ignore the fallen ones and keep on firing until there are no aliens left.

3.3 Grenade Away.
Who doesn't love grenades? Aliens. And pussies, of course. Pussies hate grenades because pussies sometimes get hurt by grenades. But you are a WARRIOR. You do not get hurt by grenades. Toss them whenever you feel like, and remember: as always, there is no need for communication. Just pull the pin and toss it without a word. If your fellow marines are caught in the blast, that's good: you won't have to hear their cries for help because they hopefully will be knocked unconscious along with the alien scum. That means you can focus on the important stuff: shooting aliens down.

3.4 Dual Wield Automatic Weapons.
While having absolutely no benefit to your fire rate and actually making reloading harder, dual wielding automatic weapons looks awesome. Remember, it's all about sending a message: you're a badass, and we don't wanna mess with you.

3.5 An Alternative to the Awesome.
If you are smart (and I know you are), you will go for dual wielding of the L6 SAW. However, the shotgun is a slightly less scary option that will still inspire fear even in the deadliest foes. Actually, your weapon choice is not up to you. You're either a pussy or you follow this guide and use a shotgun or the L6 SAW. Why? Their rounds are the biggest. No compensation issues here.

Remember that these weapons, like God and our Holy Bible, are perfection in its purest form, and it's a blasphemy to even think about improving them further. Their holy shapes are not to be tainted with a flashlight - WARRIORS FEED ON DARKNESS - nor a bayonet. You have your teeth for that [Alternatively, you can put your marine knife in your boot, but that robs you of badassery points so don't do it. Optimally, you should carry two marine knives: one in your teeth, one in your boot]. If you think like a pussy, you might notice that it has a rather short range. THAT'S WHY YOU CHARGE HEAD-FIRST into every nest. Poor aliens will be screeching in terror when they see the tip of your barrel around the corner. Long range is what marines excel at. Short range is what men excel at.

If you've decided that your squad has to man up a bit and you're improving their average warrior-ness by sticking with them, remember the value of the shotgun as a defensive weapon. If anything charges into your ranks, fire at it as much as you can. It can't drag off marines when it's surrounded by lead. You're also playing it tactical. If your squad bleeds out due to your friendly fire, you've deprived us of very valuable hosts.

4. Medical Treatment Guidelines*

4.1 Broken Bones
Have you ever seen someone die from a broken arm? Neither have I; broken limbs and fractured skulls are merely battle scars and flesh wounds. Having these wounds is a sign of true endurance and should not be repaired or splinted for any reason at any moment in time. All attempts to move you back to a forward operating base or the Sulaco should be met with lethal response, REMOVING YOU FROM BATTLE HELPS THE XENOMORPHS WIN! We will shutter and scurry with fear as they behold your complete disregard for pain, and any foolish alien to believe it can best you has clearly not done its research on the effectiveness of dual welding LMGs.

4.2 Internal Bleeding
Blood is meant to be inside you, right? So what if you're bleeding a little inside, it's not going anywhere. The blood will recycle through your veins; eat an apple and walk it off.

4.3 Infestation
Should the we somehow infect you (it should be impossible if you follow this guide to the letter) the only thing to do is to find the nearest weapon and restore your honor by ensuring that none of the marines remove your baby. What kind of parent would you be if you let your own child get removed and killed? Parents have kids they didn't intend to have and then learn to love them, this is no different. "What if surgery is a plausible option?" honor-less peasants might ask; the answer: GO FUCK YOURSELF! Those are the questions that got you infected in the first place!

*Not necessary if guidelines 1-3 are followed.

Changelog:
11-05: Added "3.5: An Alternative to the Awesome", credits to Derpislav.
12-05: Added "4: Medical Treatment Guidelines", credits to Biolock.

---

That's it, lads. I hope you follow these simple rules. We aliens will love it.

Criticism and suggestions will be welcome.

[Butterrobber202]

...Someone is going to get banned for following this guide... Almost as bad as my chucklefuck staff application

[NijiShadow]

This gave me a good chuckle, thanks for these guidelines.

[speedybst]

AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!
OMG, this was great, luv this type of marine, they are sooooo much fun... taking down a whole squad as a carrier because they were arrogant, priceless.
10/10, would read again ~IGN

[Derpislav]

Can we add our own points? This one isn't written from alien's perspective, but kept in the same spirit.


3.5 The One And Only Gun
What kind of weapon you're going to use is up to you, but the shotgun will inspire fear even in the deadliest foes. Actually, weapon choice is not up to you. You're either a pussy or you use a shotgun. Why? It's rounds are the biggest. No compensation issues here.
Remember that the shotgun is perfection in it's purest form, and it's a blasphemy to even think about improving it further. It's holy shape is not to be tainted with a flashlight - WARRIORS FEED ON DARKNESS - nor a bayonet. You have your teeth for that.
If you think like a pussy, you might notice that it has a rather short range. THAT'S WHY YOU CHARGE HEAD-FIRST into every nest. Poor aliens will be screeching in terror when they see the tip of your barrel around the corner. Long range is what marines except at. Short range is what men except at.
If you've decided that your squad has to man up a bit and you're improving their average warrior-ness by sticking with them, remember the value of shotgun as a defensive weapon. If anything charges into your ranks, fire at it as much as you can. It can't drag off marines when it's surrounded by lead. You're also playing it tactical. If your squad bleeds out due to your friendly fire, you've deprived the xenos of very valuable hosts.

[Felkvir]

[Juninho77]

@Derpislav:
Added, with a few modifications.

@Felkvir:
Uh... Thank you?

[Biolock]

1. Medical Treatment Guidelines

1.1 Broken Bones
Have you ever seen someone die from a broken arm? Neither have I; broken limbs and fractured skulls are merely battle scars and flesh wounds. Having these wounds is a sign of true endurance and should not be repaired or splinted for any reason at any moment in time. All attempts to move you back to a forward operating base or the Sulaco should be met with lethal response, REMOVING YOU FROM BATTLE HELPS THE XENOMORPHS WIN! Xenos will shutter and scurry with fear as they behold your complete disregard for pain, and any foolish alien to believe it can best you has clearly not done its research on the effectiveness of dual welding LMGs.

1.2 Internal Bleeding
Blood is meant to be inside you, right? So what if you're bleeding a little inside, it's not going anywhere. The blood will recycle through your veins; eat an apple and walk it off.

1.3 Infestation
Should the xenomorphs somehow infect you (it should be impossible if you follow this guide to the letter) the only thing to do is to find the nearest weapon and restore your honor by ensuring that none of the marines remove your baby. What kind of parent would you be if you let your own child get removed and killed? Parents have kids they didn't intend to have and then learn to love them, this is no different. "What if surgery is a plausible option?" honor-less peasants might ask; the answer: GO FUCK YOURSELF! Those are the questions that got you infected in the first place!

[Juninho77]

@Biolock: Added.

[mosshadow]

This is hilarious and echoes my thoughts exactly. I never knew wielding two machine guns lets you shoot both at the same time?

That said this guide can actually work if marines enter the station unfairly early. One stupid marine with a gun can easily rape a bunch of drones one by one until a runner doubletaps him with huggers.

[HalfdeadKiller]

You can only shoot one gun at a time, but if you use hotkey mode or whatever hotkey swaps hands, (hotkey mode = X) you could increase fire-rate of the saw or magnums if you time it right.

[Juninho77]

Though I do not advise that because of recoil.

[Biolock]

Duel welding is ineffective unless you are an ABSOLUTE PRO, if you're using a gun that only requires one hand, your other hand is more valuable for doing "hand things" like shaking your friend up or pulling out your combat knife than it is increasing your rate of fire.

If you play as a support role such as a combat medic or an engineer that doubles the no no because now you can't easily access your tool-belt.

[Dolth]

Actually, dual wielding magnums works pretty well. Yet this guide is cool, I may be a total badass now. I'll take double flamethrower soon. *Facepalm*

[Juninho77]

Revolvers don't have a recoil, do they? Plus, their firing rate is very slow, increasing the advantage of dual wielding them. All in all, I find the .44 to pack a considerable damage, but I just can't pack enough ammo to make use of it.

[Dolth]

That's why you empty shotgun box and fill them with .44 *Puts sunglass on* And yeah, shitload of recoil but meeeeh, just shoot your whole mags and hope you get 4/5 shots .

[Juninho77]

That's why you empty shotgun box and fill them with .44 *Puts sunglass on*

Oh my. Time to go grab some revolvers.

[Biolock]

Best guide ever, bump.

[Heckenshutze]

I can confirm this works.

[Sad_Corn]

10000000% accurate

Forgot to say that pain killers are for pussies, pain crit only icreases the damage that you can deal

[Karmac]

Dont forget to turn off the engineers sentry whenever possible to prove you are superior to a dumb machine

[Sad_Corn]

Dont forget to turn off the engineers sentry whenever possible to prove you are superior to a dumb machine

Just dispose your ID, and run infront of the sentries, to dodge all the bullets and be badass

[Karmac]

Just dispose your ID, and run infront of the sentries, to dodge all the bullets and be badass

It works I swear, I see colonists running in front of them all the time and they dont even die till the second burst

[Sad_Corn]

It works I swear, I see colonists running in front of them all the time and they dont even die till the second burst

It's true, i was there. I was the colonist

[Lukey111]

Imagine all the poor crewies that are reading this, YOU HATH CREATED A PLAGUE.