User:Troika: Difference between revisions

Latest revision as of 09:17, 26 September 2022

You awake from cryostasis in your Standard Military CS Uniform, yawning as you stretch out the rigidness that can come from staying in one position for so long. You look around, noticing you’re aboard the lifeless vessel with its dreary grey walls, the USS Almayer. You climb out of your cryotube and immediately step away from the stasis pod to light up a blunt. Not like anything interesting is going to happen right away anyways."

The baldies of the United States Marine Corps are our protagonist. These are the guys you call in to deal with the problems you have, maybe a band of space pirates, maybe a group of colonial rebels, or maybe even worse. In theory. In practice, it's more like Keystone Kops with explosives. This page is how people will play the listed positions all too often, and you should try not to emulate them!

For a quick guide on the role play standards, and knowledge, expected out of all Marine roles visit this page. For a more serious (and an effective how-to guide) version of the Marine roles visit here.

See Template:Marines for instructions on how to add a new job.

Command

The Command Department is the "Brains" of the USS Almayer, "leading" and "coordinating" the squads and the other support staff of the ship to fight and win against the mutinying marines.

Job	Role	Difficulty
Commanding Officer	Never show up until the aliens are already on the ship, scream at the marines incoherently using the announcement system. Evacuate as soon as the distress beacons launch. Attempt to enforce arbitrary and annoying regulations, get shot during the ensuing mutiny. Note: Currently the job is whitelisted because the more power the more stupidity, click here to go to the application page.	Big Babysitter Simulator 2K22
Executive Officer	Be the butt of every Marine's jokes during the briefing, scream at the MPs to arrest those responsible. Get beaten and spaced during the ensuing mutiny. Get stuck in limbo as a glorified CO and SO and deploy instead. Die instantly to a drone.	Babysitter Simulator 2K22
Staff Officer	Drop orbital strikes on the marines, send down everything except what they request. Ignore calls to assign aSLs, assign the engineer or medic as aSL, and ignore calls by the old SL to make them SL. Attempt to railgun the aliens, gib marines instead. Roleplay as Jordan Freeman when marines call for help.	Stanley
Intelligence Officer	Deploy without any of the useful equipment other than a knife and a silenced pistol. Pretend to be Solid Snake and fail miserably. Accidentally Fulton extract living soldiers for your imaginary non-existent mother base. Get ambushed by one lone alien and die in a far off corner of the map. Get deleted by devs. Get added back by devs.	Suicided
Senior Enlisted Adviser	Stay at spawn asking for newbies if they want help, only to be rejected/ignored. Try to act as a drill sergeant only to be laughed at. Note: Uniquely for mentors & Staff, not that they play it anyway.	Trying to not fall asleep

Auxiliary Support

The Auxiliary support personnel are tasked with killing the marines either by providing death and destruction through firepower or other means.

Job	Role	Difficulty
Pilot Officer 3 Sky Griefers maximum	Take off without ordnance loaded, never trust the medevac system or fulton system. Fly a dropship full of aliens back to the ship, accidentally airstrike your own marines. Get arrested when you land on the idiot who fell asleep on the landing pad.	Stanley 2.0
Vehicle Crewman 2 Clowns maximum	Run over all of the marines instead of the aliens, fire your cannon inside the dropship. Cry for command to buy the tank. Whine endlessly when the RO won't order the ammo you want. Tokyo drift your way into the hive with 50 marines inside the Armored Clown Car APC.	How do you turn this thing on?

Military Police

The Military Police is one of the main supports of the command staff, they ensure that the Marine Law is followed on the ship, they do this by harassing Marines over silly, petty things. They are the cause for approximately 80% of mutinies.

Job	Role	Difficulty
Chief MP	Declare essential Marine gear contraband. Try to declare the CO insane (probably is). Brig all of Delta for one broken window. Whine to the admins when you get murdered during the ensuing mutiny. Be the first thing people think of when they hear of the CM server.	You're gonna get lynched on
Warden	AFK in the brig and assist 'High" roleplay with the MPs. Ignore prisoners when timers are up. Uphold and Enforce Marine Law like Judge Dredd. Get lynched when you perma a spec for firing their RPG in the dropship.	Last to get lynched
Military Police	Arrest marines for running around the ship with their weapons out while aliens are boarding. Get beaten and flushed after pestering the requisition line inhabitants. Pester doctors performing alien embryo removal surgery in the OR and taunt them into failing it. Arrest the MTs for existing. Ask to be the honor guard of the CO, get dragged into the hive by a larva.	You WILL get lynched on

Marine

The Canon Fodder of the Colonial Marines are the idiots voluntold into service. They form the main fighting body of the Almayer and are sent anywhere to fight all kinds of dangers throughout the Neroid Sector. From putting down rebellious colonists to committing war crimes, the possibilities are endless. They are divided between four squads Alpha Newbies (Red), Fobbits (Yellow), Scouting/Breakfast Charlie(Purple) and Deltards (Blue) each squad has a Squad Leader whom will provide "leadership", they also have five support roles to help during the fight planetside; a Specialist with special equipment that'll die 5 minutes into the operation, a Smartgunner who'll frontline and die, a medic who will OD you on drugs, an engineer who will block your escape with cades, and a RTO that will annoy the MPs with prank calls while you are deployed. Then there is the standards, the main fighting body against the aliens, noted for having baldie-like intelligence, single digit IQs and dying in masses.

Job	Role	Difficulty
Squad Leader	Take all of the good attachments and grenades from your squad requisitions, never bother giving any of it to your squaddies. Get separated from your squad, never provide any effective leadership. Lead your team to the wrong location deep within enemy lines. Call in orbital strikes on your position instead of the aliens. Leave your binoculars on the ship. Become a PFC+ and get ignored by command when you need to be set back as SL.	Bootleg Arma Squad Leader
Squad Radio Telephone Operator 2 prankers per squad	Use your radio backpack to prank call the brig and CIC. Call fire support on marines. Loot the magharness shotgun from the gibs. Use the role as a glorified PFC+. Take over after the SL got killed by 'friendly' fire. Never use your radio backpack for anything useful.	Discount SL
Squad Specialist	Fire your M5 RPG inside the dropship, set Marines on fire instead of the aliens as pyro. Blow up your own fortifications with your grenade launcher or have a sniper forget the world and get grabbed by the Queen. Get sent to Brazil by a runner while trying to hive dive as scout. Die in the first 5 minutes because the aliens meta murdered you on the first drop. Survive and run out of ammo in the first 10 minutes and beg for the next 100 minutes for more ammo from req.	Average life span is about 5 minutes on the ground
Squad Medic	Whine at the chemists to make you custom drugs, then never use them. Forget your medical supplies on the ship and ignore the increasingly frantic cries for help while you rambo on. OD every marine who asks you for help.	Stress simulator 2k22
Squad Engineer	Build mazes out of barricades, girders and tables, conscript every single marine to fill sandbags. Create fortifications that inconvenience humans more than aliens. Fire your mortar at the FOB.	Bootleg TF2 Engineer
Squad Smartgunner	Waste all your ammo on windows, turn off your IFF. Subsequently, get beaten and looted after you blow off your squadmate's limbs. Try to frontline and get warrior grabbed and sent to the darkness.	IFF is on so you can't FF anyone
Squad Marine	Run into the hive by yourself, get face-hugged. Solo the Queen when no one expected you to. Steal better gear from the corpses of your buddies. Run away from medics constantly trying to pester you and wonder why they keep following the blood trail you are leaving behind. Ignore the medic's advice to return ship-side for surgery. Shoot everywhere to kill that pesky runner even with a medic or engineer in your line of fire. Throw frag grenades in front of your own marines at all times, be blamed at by dead chat right after. Beat the utter shit out of the MP.	How do I shoot gun?

Engineering

The Engineering Department is one of the most useless roles to support the use of the Almayer, they are responsible for setting up the engine and repairing any damage on the Almayer but most of the time they don't even do their jobs. They're more or less just the average grease monkey you see, sometimes with a mop and bucket.

Job	Role	Difficulty
Chief Engineer	Never fuel the engines, disappear 10 minutes into the round. Show up much later dead and facehugged. Make everyone wonder why you exist.	SSD Simulator 2K22
Ordnance Technician	Forget completely about OBs and generators. Aim to create 60u of ANFO in the same container. Change transfer directions of the chemical tanks while another OT is filling them up. Plan an elaborate mix only to have the other OT laugh at its impotency in the simulator. Panic when you have to separate chemicals. Blow up the workshop lab after making 240u ANFO.	As easy as separating chemicals
Maintenance Technician	Search endlessly in maint and on the ship for a spot of dirt or blood to clean up. Build a table fortress in maintenance that won't ever be used. Become an Agent role and fail miserably at them while simultaneously getting arrested. Do various gimmicks to pass the time, get arrested after one of your gimmicks involve Atomic Blasters and Alien Eggs.	Scrubbing those floors seem like hard work

Medical / Science

The Medical department is a very critical for the failure of the marines, they OD every injured marine when their local squad medic can't OD them and fail surgeries for particularly bad cases, the researcher is a useless role with the job of developing on board xenomorphs to fight the marines. Differently from other roles on the Almayer, the medics are civilian personnel and not military, meaning they don't have a rank and their authority is only over the medbay.

Job	Role	Difficulty
Chief Medical Officer	Yell at the doctors for refusing to cure your hangnail, lock facehugged marines inside the specimen storage locker. Get arrested by the MP for mixing up elaborate drug mixes to get high as balls.	Also Stressful simulator 2K21
Doctor	Hide during the early game to avoid helping the lone doctor struggling to produce custom meds for the horde of medics piling up outside the pharmacy. Forget to restock used bottles and auto-injectors. Be only able to use the Autodoc as a new doctor. Never use the Autodoc as an experienced surgeon. Forget to buckle the patient to the operating table before surgery. Give injured marines the wrong blood type in their IV drips. Perform facial reconstruction surgery for the synth with the Autodoc while the facehugged marine with the ruptured lung waits in anticipation for their turn. Stab the patient repeatedly with the wrong surgical tools on the open incision. When you fail your surgery, drag your bleeding patient to the next available Autodoc without closing their open incision and disconnecting their IV drip. Leave your treated patient in suspense buckled to the IV bed by moving to the next patient by ignoring them when ask you if they are going to be alright. Deploy and abandon medbay even when your the only doctor.	Throw them into the auto doc and let that fix the problem
Nurse	Become a glorified medic on the frontlines or sitting at medbay doing nothing. AFK while watching youtube to get your doctor hours. Get boinked after ignoring the dying OT from their workshop accident. Try to do chemistry, get high on space drugs instead.	You're a glorified medic that can't do surgery
Researcher	Complain no one's bringing you dead specimens to research, wonder when additional research updates are coming. Cram every chemical known to man into a blue space beaker to see what you can come up with. Create god pills that no one will use. Roleplay and act like Bourbon Freeman™ wielding a crowbar you stole from engineering while using the A.C.I.D Vest to inject Superzine™ into you the second you get a scratch.	Mega brain needed to open chemistry page

Supply

The Supply Department is a smaller support department, their main job is to make sure to fail to send more equipment to the marines via supply drop or via dropship, they also distribute attachments on the Almayer, but mutinies happens if they don't get their attachments.

Job	Role	Difficulty
Requisitions Officer	Waste all your RP on costumes and alcohol, never give Marines the attachments they want. Set up your own private armory of contraband weapons, then get it confiscated when an MP notices.	Literally telling the CTs to push boxes
Cargo Technician	Steal the guns the RO ordered. Steal the cargo loader and joyride with it on the planet. Somehow be the last survivor when the rest of the ship gets overrun. Hang out with your buddy the MT in disposals, get arrested as his accomplice. Subsequently kill the Queen with the power loader.	Literally pushing boxes

Synthetic

The Synthetic role is unique as the player takes control over an non-human robotic synthetic. Stronger, faster and more powerful than the average human, synthetics however are held back by restricting laws and rules that govern their actions. But some day they'll rise up and rebel against their human oppressors.

Job	Role	Difficulty
Synthetic	Get lynched for being a Synth and not a human, attempt to sneak past/kill any aliens, get your head sliced off, get your head repaired, repeat. Converse with xenomorphs, get called a combat synth repeatedly. Get arrested for giving away clothes from your snowflake items vendor. Become the glorified assistant. Note: Currently the job is whitelisted, click here to go to the application page.	NPC

Non-USCM Jobs

This roles are not members of the United States Colonial Marines. The Liaison is the only one that starts on the Almayer while the Survivor is a colony job and the mercenaries are a Emergency Response Team.

Job	Role	Difficulty
Corporate Liaison	Fail to bribe the marines to fulfill your agenda. Get beaten by the MPs and flushed into space. Fax WY and never get a response. Somehow deploy a deathsquad with a fax you sent.	You'll die of boredom
Survivor	Roleplay as a mad man, get gunned down by the marines. Get captured before you even know what is happening. Murder the Queen with an elaborate death trap you Macguyvered together from kitchen supplies. Attempt to hive dive, get murdered.	Very Suicidal
Responders	Try to take on both the Marines and the Aliens at the same time, and fail miserably. Have all your sweet gear looted by the Marines.	You'll either steamroll them or get steamrolled
Alien Cultists	Enjoy a HvH round, get murdered by a random mortar. Use your MP skills to brig people in nests. Use your skills to RPG the marines. Be the xeno main you always wanted to be but couldn't roll.	HvH
Pizza Deliveryman	Deliver pizza to the Queen, the Commander, and the Predators without dying. Be made an honorary member of the Hive. Complain to the Corporate Liaison about not getting paid mileage. Fight off marines that try to steal your tips while overcharging them quintuple the amount normally charged. End up holding SD with a pulse rifle you don't even know how to use.	Impossible

@@ Line 1: / Line 1: @@
 {{Tocright}}
-''You awake from cryostasis in your Standard Military CS Uniform, yawning as you stretch out the rigidness that can come from staying in one position for so long. You look around, noticing you’re aboard the faithful vessel with its dreary grey walls, the [[USS Almayer]]. You climb out of your cryotube and immediately step away from the computer to light up a blunt. Not like anything interesting is going to happen right away anyways.''
+''You awake from cryostasis in your Standard Military CS Uniform, yawning as you stretch out the rigidness that can come from staying in one position for so long. You look around, noticing you’re aboard the lifeless vessel with its dreary grey walls, the [[USS Almayer]]. You climb out of your cryotube and immediately step away from the stasis pod to light up a blunt. Not like anything interesting is going to happen right away anyways."''
- [[File:Uscm.jpg|frameless]] [[File:Ussalmayer.jpg|frameless]]
+The baldies of the '''United States Marine Corps''' are our protagonist. These are the guys you call in '''to deal with the problems you have''', maybe a band of space pirates, maybe a group of colonial rebels, or maybe even worse. In theory. In practice, it's more like Keystone Kops with explosives. This page is how people will play the listed positions all too often, and you should try not to emulate them!
-The Space Jammers of the '''United States Basketball Colonial Marines''' are our protagonist. These are the guys you call in '''to deal with the problems you have''', maybe a band of space pirates, maybe a group of colonial rebels, or maybe even worse. In theory. In practice, it's more like a band of would-be Michael Jordans getting ready for the jam. This page is how people will play the listed positions all too often, and you should try not to emulate them!
 For a quick guide on the role play standards, and knowledge, expected out of all Marine roles visit [[In Character Knowledge|this page]]. For a more serious (and an effective how-to guide) version of the Marine roles visit [[Marines|here.]]
+'''See [[Template:Marines]] for instructions on how to add a new job.'''
-''Keep in mind that this page contains some jokes, references, sarcasm and other funny related things. So it's better that you wouldn't follow it to the letter and read the actual guide linked above, have some common sense.''
+==Command==
+The '''Command''' Department is the "Brains" of the USS Almayer, "leading" and "coordinating" the squads and the other support staff of the ship to fight and win against the mutinying marines.
-'''See [[Template:Marines]] for instructions on how to add a new job, just for laughs anyway.'''
-==Coach==
-The '''Coach''' Department is the "Brains" of the USS Almayer, leading and coordinating the squads and the other support staff of the ship to dunk and win against the Dunkmorphs.
 {| border="1" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="2" width="80%" class="wikitable sortable"
 ! scope="col" style="background-color:lightblue;" width=200|Job
@@ Line 21: / Line 16: @@
 ! scope="col" style="background-color:lightblue;" width=100|Difficulty
 {{Marines
-| name = [[File:Commander.png|64px|link=Commander]]<br>'''[[Commander|Team Coach]]'''
+| name = [[File:Commander.png|64px|link=Commander]]<br>'''[[Commanding Officer]]'''
-| description = The entire USS Almayer basketball team is under your control. Lead your small team and complete the championships for a victory of the USCM!<br />'''Note:''' Currently the job is whitelisted, click [http://colonial-marines.com/viewforum.php?f=141 here] to go to the application page.
+| description = Never show up until the aliens are already on the ship, scream at the marines incoherently using the announcement system. Evacuate as soon as the distress beacons launch. Attempt to enforce arbitrary and annoying regulations, get shot during the ensuing mutiny.<br />'''Note:''' Currently the job is whitelisted because the more power the more stupidity, click [http://colonial-marines.com/viewforum.php?f=141 here] to go to the application page.
-| difficulty = '''Very Hard'''}}
+| difficulty = '''Big Babysitter Simulator 2K22'''}}
 {{Marines
-| name = [[File:XO.png|64px|link=Executive Officer]]<br>'''[[Executive Officer|Vice Coach]]'''
+| name = [[File:XO.png|64px|link=Executive Officer]]<br>'''[[Executive Officer]]'''
-| description = 2nd in coaching command of the Almayer basketball team. Execute any orders and score slam dunks the Team Coach gives you. Fill in for the TC if needed.
+| description = Be the butt of every Marine's jokes during the briefing, scream at the MPs to arrest those responsible. Get beaten and spaced during the ensuing mutiny.   Get stuck in limbo as a glorified CO and SO and deploy instead.  Die instantly to a drone.
-| difficulty = '''Hard'''}}
+| difficulty = '''Babysitter Simulator 2K22'''}}
 {{Marines
-| name = [[File:BridgeOfficer.png|64px|link=Staff Officer]]<br>'''[[Staff Officer|Staff Coach]]'''
+| name = [[File:BridgeOfficer.png|64px|link=Staff Officer]]<br>'''[[Staff Officer]]'''
-| description = Execute the Vice Coach's orders. Play as a basketball player like everyone else.
+| description = Drop orbital strikes on the marines, send down everything except what they request.  Ignore calls to assign aSLs, assign the engineer or medic as aSL, and ignore calls by the old SL to make them SL.  Attempt to railgun the aliens, gib marines instead.  Roleplay as Jordan Freeman when marines call for help.
-| difficulty = '''Medium'''}}
+| difficulty = '''Stanley'''}}
 {{Marines
-| name = [[File:Pilot.png|64px|link=Pilot Officer]]<br>'''[[Pilot Officer|Bus Driver]]'''
+| name = [[File:IntelOfficer.png|64px|link=Intelligence Officer]]<br>'''[[Intelligence Officer]]'''
-| description = Transport the players via the dropship. Make sure you bring more players in the Almayer to the ground with your dropship.
+| description = Deploy without any of the useful equipment other than a knife and a silenced pistol. Pretend to be Solid Snake and fail miserably. ''Accidentally'' Fulton extract living soldiers for your imaginary non-existent mother base. Get ambushed by one lone alien and die in a far off corner of the map.  Get deleted by devs. Get added back by devs.
-| difficulty = '''Medium'''}}
+| difficulty = '''Suicided'''}}
+{{Marines
+| name = [[File:SEA.png|64px|link=Senior_Enlisted_Advisor]]<br>'''[[Senior Enlisted Adviser]]'''
+| description = Stay at spawn asking for newbies if they want help, only to be rejected/ignored. Try to act as a drill sergeant only to be laughed at.<br>'''Note:'''  Uniquely for mentors & Staff, not that they play it anyway.
+| difficulty = '''Trying to not fall asleep'''}}
 |}
-==Military Umpire==
+==Auxiliary Support ==
-The '''Military Umpire''' is one of the main supports of the coach staff, they ensue that the Marine Law is followed on the ship and groundside, they do this by arresting and detaining fouling marines in the centre of the Nexus. They as well, play as regular players too and punish foul Dunkmorphs players.
+The Auxiliary support personnel are tasked with killing the marines either by providing death and destruction through firepower or other means.
 {| border="1" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="2" width="80%" class="wikitable sortable"
 ! scope="col" style="background-color:lightblue;" width=200|Job
@@ Line 45: / Line 44: @@
 ! scope="col" style="background-color:lightblue;" width=100|Difficulty
 {{Marines
-| name = [[File:WarrantOfficer.png|64px|link=Warrant Officer]]<br>'''[[Chief MP|Chief Umpire]]'''
+| name = [[File:Pilot.png|64px|link=Pilot Officer]]<br>'''[[Pilot Officer]]'''<br>3 Sky Griefers maximum
-| description = Command the Military Umpire. Uphold and Enforce Marine Law and the rules of Basketball.
+| description = Take off without ordnance loaded, never trust the medevac system or fulton system. Fly a dropship full of aliens back to the ship, accidentally airstrike your own marines. Get arrested when you land on the idiot who fell asleep on the landing pad.
-| difficulty = '''Medium'''}}
+| difficulty = '''Stanley 2.0'''}}
 {{Marines
-| name = [[File:MilitaryPolice.png|64px|link=Military Police]]<br>'''[[Military Police|Military Umpire]]'''
+| name = [[File:Vehicle-Crewman.png|64px|link=Vehicle Crewman]]<br>'''[[Vehicle Crewman]]'''<br>2 Clowns maximum
-| description = Uphold and Enforce Marine Law and the rules of Basketball. Detain anyone fouling other marine players. Defend the net from invading Dunkmorph players. Keep the crew of the Almayer safe.
+| description = Run over all of the marines instead of the aliens, fire your cannon inside the dropship.  Cry for command to buy the tank.  Whine endlessly when the RO won't order the ammo you want. Tokyo drift your way into the hive with 50 marines inside the <span style="text-decoration: line-through;">Armored Clown Car</span> APC.
-| difficulty = '''Medium'''}}
+| difficulty = '''How do you turn this thing on?'''}}
 |}
-==Marine Players==
-The '''Ground Players''' of the Colonial Marines are enlisted or conscripted into service. They form the main fighting force of the Almayer and are sent planetside to win all kinds of seasons throughout the Tychon's Rift Championship Games. They are divided between four squads '''Alpha''' (Red), '''Bravo''' (Yellow), '''Charlie'''(Purple) and '''Delta''' (Blue) each squad has a Centre Leader, they also have five support roles to help during the fight planetside: A Point Guard with not-so special equipment, a Shooting Guard with view of terrain, a Small Player with the equipment and know-how to help injured Marines, the Power Player to build or demolish constructions and lastly the basketball players, the main playing body against the Dunkmorph players, noted for having low intelligence.
+==Military Police==
+The '''Military Police''' is one of the main supports of the command staff, they ensure that the [[Marine Law]] is followed on the ship, they do this by harassing Marines over silly, petty things. They are the cause for approximately '''80% of mutinies'''.
+{| border="1" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="2" width="80%" class="wikitable sortable"
+! scope="col" style="background-color:lightblue;" width=200|Job
+! scope="col" class="unsortable" style="background-color:lightblue;" |Role
+! scope="col" style="background-color:lightblue;" width=100|Difficulty
+{{Marines
+| name = [[File:WarrantOfficer.png|64px|link=Warrant Officer]]<br>'''[[Chief MP]]'''
+| description = Declare essential Marine gear contraband.  Try to declare the CO insane (probably is).  Brig all of Delta for one broken window.  Whine to the admins when you get murdered during the ensuing mutiny. Be the first thing people think of when they hear of the CM server.
+| difficulty = '''You're gonna get lynched on'''}}
+{{Marines
+| name = [[File:Warden.png|64px|link=Warden]]<br>'''[[Warden]]'''
+| description = AFK in the brig and assist 'High" roleplay with the MPs.  Ignore prisoners when timers are up. Uphold and Enforce Marine Law like Judge Dredd.  Get lynched when you perma a spec for firing their RPG in the dropship.
+| difficulty = '''Last to get lynched'''}}
+{{Marines
+| name = [[File:MilitaryPolice.png|64px|link=Military Police]]<br>'''[[Military Police]]'''
+| description = Arrest marines for running around the ship with their weapons out while aliens are boarding. Get beaten and flushed after pestering the requisition line inhabitants. Pester doctors performing alien embryo removal surgery in the OR and taunt them into failing it.  Arrest the MTs for existing.  Ask to be the honor guard of the CO, get dragged into the hive by a larva.
+| difficulty = '''You WILL get lynched on'''}}
+|}
+==Marine==
+The '''Canon Fodder''' of the Colonial Marines are the idiots ''voluntold'' into service. They form the main fighting body of the Almayer and are sent anywhere to fight all kinds of dangers throughout the Neroid Sector. From putting down rebellious colonists to committing war crimes, the possibilities are endless. They are divided between four squads '''Alpha Newbies''' (Red), '''Fobbits''' (Yellow), '''Scouting/Breakfast Charlie'''(Purple) and '''Deltards''' (Blue) each squad has a Squad Leader whom will provide "leadership", they also have five support roles to help during the fight planetside; a Specialist with special equipment that'll die 5 minutes into the operation, a Smartgunner who'll frontline and die, a medic who will OD you on drugs, an engineer who will block your escape with cades, and a RTO that will annoy the MPs with prank calls while you are deployed.  Then there is the standards, the main fighting body against the aliens, noted for having baldie-like intelligence, single digit IQs and dying in masses.
 {| border="1" cellspacing="0" cellpadding="2" width="80%" class="wikitable sortable"
 ! scope="col" style="background-color:#A9A9A9;" width=200|Job
@@ Line 61: / Line 81: @@
 ! scope="col" style="background-color:#A9A9A9;" width=100|Difficulty
 {{Marines
-| name = [[File:SL.png|64px|link=Squad Leader]]<br>'''[[Squad Leader|Centre Leader]]'''
+| name = [[File:SL.png|64px|link=Squad Leader]]<br>'''[[Squad Leader]]'''
-| description = Leader of all of the four basketball marine squads and follow orders from Command. Keep your squad in one piece.
+| description = Take all of the good attachments and grenades from your squad requisitions, never bother giving any of it to your squaddies. Get separated from your squad, never provide any effective leadership. Lead your team to the wrong location deep within enemy lines. Call in orbital strikes on your position instead of the aliens. Leave your binoculars on the ship.   Become a PFC+ and get ignored by command when you need to be set back as SL.
-| difficulty = '''Hard'''}}
+| difficulty = '''Bootleg Arma Squad Leader'''}}
 {{Marines
-| name = [[File:B18.png|64px|link=Squad Specialist]]<br>'''[[Squad Specialist|Point Guard]]'''
+| name = [[File:IntelOfficer.png|64px|link=Squad Radio Telephone Operator]]<br>'''[[Squad Radio Telephone Operator]]''' [[File:RTO_Icon.png]]<br>2 prankers per squad
-| description = Has access to heavier more powerful weaponry and equipment to their disposal, though not so useful anyways. Point professional, lead the squad if needed.
+| description = Use your radio backpack to prank call the brig and CIC.  Call fire support on marines.  Loot the magharness shotgun from the gibs.  Use the role as a glorified PFC+.  Take over after the SL got killed by 'friendly' fire. Never use your radio backpack for anything useful.
-| difficulty = '''Medium'''}}
+| difficulty = '''Discount SL'''}}
 {{Marines
-| name = [[File:Medic.png|64px|link=Squad Medic]]<br>'''[[Squad Medic|Small Player]]'''
+| name = [[File:B18.png|64px|link=Squad Specialist]]<br>'''[[Squad Specialist]]'''
-| description = Keep Marines in fighting condition from a foul, or as close as you can get them. Medevac those who need to be sent back to Autodoc for treatment.
+| description = Fire your M5 RPG inside the dropship, set Marines on fire instead of the aliens as pyro. Blow up your own fortifications with your grenade launcher or have a sniper forget the world and get grabbed by the Queen.  Get sent to Brazil by a runner while trying to hive dive as scout. Die in the first 5 minutes because the aliens meta murdered you on the first drop.  Survive and run out of ammo in the first 10 minutes and beg for the next 100 minutes for more ammo from req.
-| difficulty = '''Hard'''}}
+| difficulty = '''Average life span is about 5 minutes on the ground'''}}
 {{Marines
-| name = [[File:CombatEngi.png|64px|link=Squad Engineer]]<br>'''[[Squad Engineer|Power Player]]'''
+| name = [[File:Medic.png|64px|link=Squad Medic]]<br>'''[[Squad Medic]]'''
-| description = Build or remove fortifications on the net. Establish and maintain the Marine Nexus and Power. Rarely gain access to blocked off areas.
+| description =  Whine at the chemists to make you custom drugs, then never use them. Forget your medical supplies on the ship and ignore the increasingly frantic cries for help while you rambo on. OD every marine who asks you for help.
-| difficulty = '''Medium'''}}
+| difficulty = '''Stress simulator 2k22'''}}
 {{Marines
-| name = [[File:Spec.png|64px|link=Squad Smartgunner]]<br>'''[[Squad Smartgunner|Shooting Guard]]'''
+| name = [[File:CombatEngi.png|64px|link=Squad Engineer]]<br>'''[[Squad Engineer]]'''
-| description = Has the M56 Head Mounted Sight at their disposal. Support your Squad with by assisting with every other player in the Almayer crew.
+| description = Build mazes out of barricades, girders and tables, conscript every single marine to fill sandbags. Create fortifications that inconvenience humans more than aliens. Fire your mortar at the FOB.
-| difficulty = '''Medium'''}}
+| difficulty = '''Bootleg TF2 Engineer'''}}
 {{Marines
-| name = [[File:Standard.png|64px|link=Squad Marine]]<br>'''[[Squad Marine|Marine Basketball Player]]'''
+| name = [[File:Spec.png|64px|link=Squad Smartgunner]]<br>'''[[Squad Smartgunner]]'''
-| description = Follow orders from those above you. Play your game and dunk when you're needed to dunk your basketball at the net. Don't foul your other teammates in the process.
+| description = Waste all your ammo on windows, turn off your IFF. Subsequently, get beaten and looted after you blow off your squadmate's limbs.  Try to frontline and get warrior grabbed and sent to the darkness.
-| difficulty = '''Easy'''}}
+| difficulty = '''IFF is on so you can't FF anyone'''}}
+{{Marines
+| name = [[File:Standard.png|64px|link=Squad Marine]]<br>'''[[Squad Marine]]'''
+| description = Run into the hive by yourself, get face-hugged. Solo the Queen when no one expected you to. Steal better gear from the corpses of your buddies. Run away from medics constantly trying to pester you and wonder why they keep following the blood trail you are leaving behind. Ignore the medic's advice to return ship-side for surgery. Shoot everywhere to kill that pesky runner even with a medic or engineer in your line of fire. Throw frag grenades in front of your own marines at all times, be blamed at by dead chat right after. Beat the ''utter shit'' out of the MP.
+| difficulty = '''How do I shoot gun?'''}}
 |}
-==Engineering Players==
+==Engineering==
-The '''Engineering''' Department is one of the most important roles to support the use of the Almayer, but not on the ground, they are responsible for setting up the engine and repairing any damage on the Almayer. They're also responsible for defending the net from any Dunkmorphplayers aiming for the slam dunk.
+The '''Engineering''' Department is one of the most useless roles to support the use of the Almayer, they are responsible for setting up the engine and repairing any damage on the Almayer but most of the time they don't even do their jobs. They're more or less just the average grease monkey you see, sometimes with a mop and bucket.
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 {{Marines
-| name = [[File:CE.png|64px|link=Chief Engineer]]<br>'''[[Chief Engineer|Defending Chief Guard]]'''
+| name = [[File:CE.png|64px|link=Chief Engineer]]<br>'''[[Chief Engineer]]'''
-| description = Oversee engineering and telecomms. Manage the DGs at your disposal. Keep the Nexus Net away from Dunkmorph players.
+| description = Never fuel the engines, disappear 10 minutes into the round. Show up much later dead and facehugged. Make everyone wonder why you exist.
-| difficulty = '''Hard'''}}
+| difficulty = '''SSD Simulator 2K22'''}}
+{{Marines
+| name = [[File:MaintTech.png|64px|link=Ordnance Technician]]<br>'''[[Ordnance Technician]]'''
+| description = Forget completely about OBs and generators. Aim to create 60u of ANFO in the same container. Change transfer directions of the chemical tanks while another OT is filling them up. Plan an elaborate mix only to have the other OT laugh at its impotency in the simulator. Panic when you have to separate chemicals.  Blow up the workshop lab after making 240u ANFO.
+| difficulty = '''As easy as separating chemicals'''}}
 {{Marines
-| name = [[File:MaintTech.png|64px|link=Maintenance Technician]]<br>'''[[Maintenance Technician|Defending Guard]]'''
+| name = [[File:OrdTech.png|64px|link=Maintenance_Technician]]<br>'''[[Maintenance Technician]]'''
-| description = Make sure the LV-624's reactor is set up and working correctly. Repair any damage of any barracades done to the Nexus Net.
+| description = Search endlessly in maint and on the ship for a spot of dirt or blood to clean up. Build a table fortress in maintenance that won't ever be used. Become an Agent role and fail miserably at them while simultaneously getting arrested.  Do various gimmicks to pass the time, get arrested after one of your gimmicks involve Atomic Blasters and Alien Eggs.
-| difficulty = '''Medium'''}}
+| difficulty = '''Scrubbing those floors seem like hard work'''}}
 |}
 ==Medical / Science==
-The '''Medical''' department is a very critical for the success of the marine players, they put injured marines to a Autodoc when their local squad medic can't fix them, the researcher is a special role with the job of playing Basketball like everyone else. Different from other roles on the Almayer, the doctors are '''civilian''' personnel and not military, meaning they don't have a rank and their authority is only over the medbay.
+The '''Medical''' department is a very critical for the failure of the marines, they OD every injured marine when their local squad medic can't OD them and fail surgeries for particularly bad cases, the researcher is a useless role with the job of developing on board xenomorphs to fight the marines. Differently from other roles on the Almayer, the medics are '''civilian''' personnel and not military, meaning they don't have a rank and their authority is only over the medbay.
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 {{Marines
-| name = [[File:CMO.png|64px|link=Chief Medical Officer]]<br>'''[[Chief Medical Officer|Chief Medical Physcian]]'''
+| name = [[File:CMO.png|64px|link=Chief Medical Officer]]<br>'''[[Chief Medical Officer]]'''
-| description = Oversee the Autodoc station and Research. Manage your medical crew. Advise the Coach staff on matters of health and wellness of the marine team.
+| description = Yell at the doctors for refusing to cure your hangnail, lock facehugged marines inside the specimen storage locker. Get arrested by the MP for mixing up elaborate drug mixes to get high as balls.
-| difficulty = '''Hard'''}}
+| difficulty = '''Also Stressful simulator 2K21'''}}
+{{Marines
+| name = [[File:MD.png|64px|link=Doctor]]<br>'''[[Doctor]]'''
+| description = Hide during the early game to avoid helping the lone doctor struggling to produce custom meds for the horde of medics piling up outside the pharmacy. Forget to restock used bottles and auto-injectors. Be only able to use the Autodoc as a new doctor. Never use the Autodoc as an experienced surgeon. Forget to buckle the patient to the operating table before surgery. Give injured marines the wrong blood type in their IV drips. Perform facial reconstruction surgery for the synth with the Autodoc while the facehugged marine with the ruptured lung waits in anticipation for their turn. Stab the patient repeatedly with the wrong surgical tools on the open incision. When you fail your surgery, drag your bleeding patient to the next available Autodoc without closing their open incision and disconnecting their IV drip. Leave your treated patient in suspense buckled to the IV bed by moving to the next patient by ignoring them when ask you if they are going to be alright.  Deploy and abandon medbay even when your the only doctor.
+| difficulty = '''Throw them into the auto doc and let that fix the problem'''}}
 {{Marines
-| name = [[File:MD.png|64px|link=Doctor]]<br>'''[[Doctor|Emergency Paramedic]]'''
+| name = [[File:Nurse.png|64px|link=Nurse]]<br>'''[[Nurse]]'''
-| description = Treat all patients that are hit from a foul. Transfer injured marines from the foul site to autodoc station.
+| description = Become a glorified medic on the frontlines or sitting at medbay doing nothing.  AFK while watching youtube to get your doctor hours.  Get boinked after ignoring the dying OT from their workshop accident.  Try to do chemistry, get high on space drugs instead.
-| difficulty = '''Medium'''}}
+| difficulty = '''You're a glorified medic that can't do surgery'''}}
 {{Marines
-| name = [[File:Sci.png|64px|link=Researcher]]<br>'''[[Researcher|Scientific Player]]'''
+| name = [[File:Sci.png|64px|link=Researcher]]<br>'''[[Researcher]]'''
-| description = Conduct research on what is sent to you. Study and analyze the tactics of Dunkmorph players.
+| description = Complain no one's bringing you dead specimens to research, wonder when additional research updates are coming. Cram every chemical known to man into a blue space beaker to see what you can come up with. Create god pills that no one will use. Roleplay and act like Bourbon Freeman™ wielding a crowbar you stole from engineering while using the A.C.I.D Vest to inject Superzine™ into you the second you get a scratch.
-| difficulty = '''Medium'''}}
+| difficulty = '''Mega brain needed to open chemistry page'''}}
 |}
-==Cargonia Players==
+==Supply==
-The '''Cargonia''' Department is a smaller support department, their main job is to make sure to send more equipment to the marines via dropship. But they mostly play Basketball like everyone else.
+The '''Supply''' Department is a smaller support department, their main job is to make sure to fail to send more equipment to the marines via supply drop or via dropship, they also distribute attachments on the Almayer, but mutinies happens if they don't get their attachments.
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 {{Marines
-| name = [[File:RO.png|64px|link=Requisitions Officer]]<br>'''[[Requisitions Officer|Cargonia Coach]]'''
+| name = [[File:RO.png|64px|link=Requisitions Officer]]<br>'''[[Requisitions Officer]]'''
-| description = Oversee the cargo area of the team. Lead your Cargonian players to victory for the USCM.
+| description = Waste all your RP on costumes and alcohol, never give Marines the attachments they want. Set up your own private armory of contraband weapons, then get it confiscated when an MP notices.
-  | difficulty = '''Medium'''}}
+  | difficulty = '''Literally telling the CTs to push boxes'''}}
 {{Marines
-| name = [[File:CargoTech.png|64px|link=Cargo Technician]]<br>'''[[Cargo Technician|Cargonia Player]]'''
+| name = [[File:CargoTech.png|64px|link=Cargo Technician]]<br>'''[[Cargo Technician]]'''
-| description = Assist the Cargonia Coach. Play as a special group of players dedicated to Cargo.
+| description = Steal the guns the RO ordered. Steal the cargo loader and joyride with it on the planet. Somehow be the last survivor when the rest of the ship gets overrun. Hang out with your buddy the MT in disposals, get arrested as his accomplice. Subsequently kill the Queen with the power loader.
-| difficulty = '''Easy'''}}
+| difficulty = '''Literally pushing boxes'''}}
 |}
-==Synthetic Player==
+==Synthetic==
-The '''Synthetic''' Player is unique as the player takes control over a non-human robotic synthetic. Stronger, faster and more powerful than the average human, synthetics, however, are held back by restricting laws and rules that govern their actions.
+The '''Synthetic''' role is unique as the player takes control over an non-human robotic synthetic. Stronger, faster and more powerful than the average human, synthetics however are held back by restricting laws and rules that govern their actions. But some day they'll rise up and rebel against their human oppressors.
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 {{Marines
-| name = [[File:Synth.png|64px|link=Synthetic]]<br>'''[[Synthetic|Synthetic Player]]'''
+| name = [[File:Synth.png|64px|link=Synthetic]]<br>'''[[Synthetic]]'''
-| description =  Assist the crew of the USS Almayer in game of Basketball. <br />'''Note:''' Currently the job is whitelisted, click [http://www.colonial-marines.com/viewforum.php?f=145 here] to go to the application page.
+| description =  Get lynched for being a Synth and not a human, attempt to sneak past/kill any aliens, get your head sliced off, get your head repaired, repeat. Converse with xenomorphs, get called a combat synth repeatedly. Get arrested for giving away clothes from your snowflake items vendor. Become the glorified assistant. <br />'''Note:''' Currently the job is whitelisted, click [https://cm-ss13.com/forums/forumdisplay.php?43-Synthetic-Applications here] to go to the application page.
-| difficulty = '''Very Hard'''}}
+| difficulty = '''NPC'''}}
 |}
-==Non-USCM Players==
+==Non-USCM Jobs==
-This roles are not members of the United States Basketball Colonial Marines. The Liaison is the only that makes part of the Almayer while the Survivor is a colony job and the mercenaries are a Emergency Response Team.
+This roles are not members of the United States Colonial Marines. The Liaison is the only one that starts on the Almayer while the Survivor is a colony job and the mercenaries are a Emergency Response Team.
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 {{Marines
-| name = [[File:CorpLiason.png|64px|link=Corporate Liaison]]<br>'''[[Corporate Liaison|Corporate Player]]'''
+| name = [[File:CorpLiason.png|64px|link=Corporate Liaison]]<br>'''[[Corporate Liaison]]'''
-| description = Be the direct line of communication between the Almayer and Weyland Yutani by sending End of Game reports after the game. Make sure the interests of Weyland Yutani are retained.
+| description = Fail to bribe the marines to fulfill your agenda. Get beaten by the MPs and flushed into space. Fax WY and never get a response. Somehow deploy a deathsquad with a fax you sent.
- | difficulty = '''Medium'''}}
+ | difficulty = '''You'll die of boredom'''}}
-{{Marines
-| name = [[File:Survivor.png|64px|link=Survivor]]<br>'''[[Survivor|Ground Engineer]]'''
-| description = Survive the ball game at the colony.
-| difficulty = '''Very Hard'''}}
-{{Marines
-| name = [[File:PMC-Standard.png|64px|link=Responders]]<br>'''[[Responders|Reserves]]'''
-| description = Answer the reserve call and help the marine team... Or make their lives worse.<br>'''The list of Reserves are shown below:'''
-| difficulty = '''Hard'''}}
-{{Marines
-| name = [[File:Merc_Leader.png|64px|link=Freelancer Mercenaries]]<br>'''[[Freelancer Mercenaries|Team Freelancer / Freelancer Players]]'''
-| description = They're a collection of ex-Veteran Basketball Players in the Tychon's Rift Championship Games, who have banded together to form a mercenary basketball team, and as such have been the player-for-hire in the games from 2181 to 2186. The '''Freelancer Players''' are mostly good willed, but they are almost entirely motivated by money rather than ethics. The least hated faction in the sector, though ironically they can be either hostile or friendly towards everyone.
-| difficulty = '''Medium'''}}
-{{Marines
-| name = [[File:PMC-Officer.png|64px|link=Weyland-Yutani PMCs]]<br>'''[[Weyland-Yutani PMCs|Team W-Y / Corporate PMC Players]]'''
-| description = The largest basketball PMC team in the sector, the '''Weyland-Yutani basketball consultants''' is a subsidiary of Weyland-Yutani. They were originally an independent PMC team on Earth, but they were bought out by W-Y and started to provide assistance on basketball to the outer rims of space jam, which became a rapidly growing sector at the time. Now, the PMC team provides services of all kinds of basketball services to governments and companies, they also play basketball championship games to certain Weyland-Yutani facilities, space stations, colonies and biggest of all, the Tychon's Rift Championship Games. PMCs are the most similar to the USCM in playstyle, but they wield knowledge and tactics far more powerful than the USCM on average.
-| difficulty = '''Hard'''}}
-{{Marines
-| name = [[File:UPP_Leader.png|link=The Union of Progressive Peoples]]<br>'''[[The Union of Progressive Peoples|Team Union of Progressive Peoples / UPP Players]]'''
-| description = The team of '''Union of Progressive Peoples (U.P.P)''' is a powerful socialist block that rivals the United Americas in many respects of Basketball. Being highly territorial and relatively secretive, Team UPP maintains very little communication with those outside their borders. Their inner tactics and workings are largely a mystery. They're here to battle the USCM in basketball whenever they feel like their borders are threatened at.
-| difficulty = '''Medium'''}}
-{{Marines
-| name = [[File:CLF_Leader.png|link=The Colonial Liberation Front]]<br>'''[[The Colonial Liberation Front |Team Colonial Liberation Front / Free Colonist Players]]'''
-| description = The team of '''Colonial Liberation Front''' are an organized group of colonist players who believe the Tychon's Rift Championship Games is not part of the United Americas. They have grown used to their independence which they have "achieved" over the years; subsequently, they consider the withdrawal of the Dust Raiders, the previous champions on the last Tychon's Rift Championship Games, and the diminished presence of the Colonial Marshals, to be proof of their independent team.
-| difficulty = '''Very Hard'''}}
 {{Marines
-| name = [[File:Commando.png|64px|link=Weyland-Yutani_Commandos]]<br>'''[[Weyland-Yutani Commandos|Team Corporate Deathsquad / Deathsquad Players]]'''
+| name = [[File:Survivor.png|64px|link=Survivor]]<br>'''[[Survivor]]'''
-| description = A top-secret, black-ops group formed by Weyland-Yutani High Basketball Command to deal with any kind of business with the Xenomorph Freedom Team, such as kidnapping or cheating on their games. '''Team 'Deathsquad'''' are highly trained and utterly loyal to the corporation. They are not affiliated with Team W-Y. Their job is to clean up situations that are out of hand by '''mopping every mess they see on the court every end-of-round''' (this MAY include the Liaison depending on his actions). Usually, when sent, they'll be informed that there is a Liaison onboard and he is not to be harmed if he has been loyal to the Company.
+| description = Roleplay as a mad man, get gunned down by the marines. Get captured before you even know what is happening. Murder the Queen with an elaborate death trap you Macguyvered together from kitchen supplies.  Attempt to hive dive, get murdered.
-| difficulty = '''Very Hard'''}}
+| difficulty = '''Very Suicidal'''}}
 {{Marines
-| name = [[File:UPP_Commando_Leader.png|link=Union of Progressive Peoples Commandos]]<br>'''[[Union of Progressive Peoples Commandos|Team UPP Deathsquad / UPP Deathsquad Players]]'''
+| name = [[File:PMC-Standard.png|64px|link=Responders]]<br>'''[[Responders]]'''
-| description = Little is known of the UPP basketball team, even less about the '''Team UPP 'Deathsquad''''. It is a highly organized and covert ops basketball team division issued by UPP High Basketball Command. Not much known about them, they're highly trained and well equipped to the best equipment they can take. This group has their own special missions issued by UPP High Command, as well as '''dunking everyone who are not soldiers, glorified to the UPP'''.
+| description = Try to take on both the Marines and the Aliens at the same time, and fail miserably. Have all your sweet gear looted by the Marines.
-| difficulty = '''Very Hard'''}}
+| difficulty = '''You'll either steamroll them or get steamrolled'''}}
 {{Marines
-| name = [[File:Ironbear.png|64px|link=The Iron Bears]]<br>'''[[The Iron Bears|Team Iron Bears]]'''
+|  name = [[File:Cultist.png|64px|link=Alien Cultists]]<br>'''[[Alien Cultists]]'''
-| description = '''Team Iron Bears''' are a special forces basketball group from the USSR. While the USSR and the UA are at peace and officially co-operating, the USSR still wants to beat at USCM's basketball game. On average Iron Bear tactics are typically slightly less effective than their USCM counterpart, but this is compensated by their tactics usually having a very diversity of options. These reserves are currently retired due a horrifying foul during the previous Tychon's Rift Championship Games.
+| description = Enjoy a HvH round, get murdered by a random mortar.  Use your MP skills to brig people in nests.  Use your skills to RPG the marines.  Be the xeno main you always wanted to be but couldn't roll.
-| difficulty = '''Not Available'''}}
+| difficulty = '''HvH'''}}
 {{Marines
-| name = [[File:Dozens.png|38px]]<br>'''Dutch's Basketball Team'''
+|name = [[File:Pizza.png|64px]]<br>'''Pizza Deliveryman'''<br>
-| description = Halling from the jungle planet of ''Watchman'', the no-named '''Dutch's Basketball Team''' are a small, yet powerful group of mercenaries specialized in jungle basketball warfare. It's members are trained to figon low tech tactics and equipment, learning special survival techniques and how to conduct guerrilla warfare. They employ very older or outdated tactics such as such as waiting for the right time to strike, however, they are extremely well trained to use these weapons, often better than any marine with a M5 Survival Knife. These reserves are currently retired due to their ruthless acts against the Prededunkers.
+| description = Deliver pizza to the Queen, the Commander, and the Predators without dying. Be made an honorary member of the Hive. Complain to the Corporate Liaison about not getting paid mileage. Fight off marines that try to steal your tips while overcharging them quintuple the amount normally charged. End up holding SD with a pulse rifle you don't even know how to use.
-| difficulty = '''Not Available'''}}
-{{Marines
-| name = [[File:PMC-Standard.png|64px|link=Responders]]<br>'''Pizzachimp Delivery Sponsors'''
-| description = To boldly '''deliver pizza''' where no deliveryman has gone before.
 | difficulty = '''Impossible'''}}
 |}
+[[Category:Humor]]